Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Worst Jello Shot EVER!

Blu-Ray Review: Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist

You guys were pretty good except you were two penises shy of Shania Twain re-imagination band.
--Nick O’Leary

As someone who has no heart and believes the concept of love is a mythological creature like the Yeti or the female orgasm, it may be difficult to review a movie whose central motifs consist of heartbreak and the notion of a soul mate. But because I’m such a fan of the two stars – Michael Cera will always have a place on my Greatness Mantle for his role as George Michael Bluth and Kat Dennings had me rewinding my DVD until I wore it out to grasp the magnificence of her sweater hams in 40 Year Old Virgin – I’ll give it a try.

So here goes.

Of course I liked it. Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist is a very sweet love/all-night adventure story with two very likeable, funny characters. In fact, my only complaint about the movie is that when Nick & Norah are not together, the movie bogs down. Cera and Dennings have great chemistry together.

There are not a lot of big belly laughs. But there are a lot of good lines. Think Juno only not stuck up in its own ass as much and more likeable characters.

  • 0 breasts
  • 2 beasts
  • Vomit-fu
  • Indie-Rock-fu


Academy Award nomination for Michael Cera for being brilliant in everything he does.


Academey Award nomination for Ari Graynor for the best drunk girl I’ve seen since Martinipalooza.

A-


King Wally says check it out.

Monday, March 30, 2009

2009:Week 13

The good news is today, Monday, was the last Monday in a while that I have to get up early and drag my sorry ass to a place of employment. The bad news is also the same thing.

Life is such a dichotomy.




Week Highlights:

3) Having two soccer players check on me after my bad fall.
2) Making preliminary plans for Walkabout 2009 -- Euro Edition.
1) Doing nothing on Saturday but catch up on some Netflix movies. (Reviews coming soon. Spoiler Alert -- they were both As)


Key Stats:
  • 5 -- days left at Beal
  • 10 -- dollars saved with a coupon at Central Market. It was a slow week and, hey, cash flow is about to fall to 0 soon.
  • 0 -- minutes of NCAA Basketball I watched this week. Seriously, how can you people stand it? I would watch Special Olympics Curling before college basketball.
  • 8 -- number of Advil I took at a time at the peak of my back pain.

Jason Mechler's Calvalcade of Comedy


Pokemon submits this picture for a caption contest (no prizes to be awarded). He submits his comedy stylings to get the ball rolling.


Friday, March 27, 2009

Happy Yosemite Valley Discovery Day! (Not you Indians)


Today in 1851, explorer Lafeyette Bunnell and other members of the Mariposa Battalion became the non-indiginious discoverers of Yosemite Valley.
Which begs the question, "Do the French really name their Battalions after butterflies?"
Please to enjoy one of my many Walkabout 2007 pictures of the Valley.
CORRECTION: Bunnell was an American. But the question is still funny. So I kept it in.

Preparing for the Coming Apocalypse


I love the idea that when the society finally collapse we won't have to do without the delicious smokey flavor of bacon.
Click on the picture for a better view.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Ouch!!

There must be something about unemployment or the prospect of unemployment that causes me to try to accidentally kill myself. I did it once before, and yesterday I tried to do it again.

It was a very windy day yesterday. Ordinarily that would be enough to keep me from biking. But, because I didn't bike the day before as I had planned, and it was supposed to rain all day today, I felt I had to fight through the wind and bike.
At the top of the White Rock Creek trail, where the trail winds around Anderson Bonner Park, the parks department are re-doing the path. So they have moved the path to the street and separated the path traffic from auto traffic with those same pylons they're using to separate the HOV lane on 75. Where auto traffic needs to turn into Anderson-Bonner parking there is a gap in the pylons and a pylon put in the center of the path to prevent cars from traveling into the bike path.

And that's where it all went bad.

As I mentioned, it was very windy. With a strong tail wind, I was going much faster than normal. Then, with a sudden gust of wind, I was thrown into that very center pylon that was supposed to protect me.

The next second slowed down remarkably. My first thought was that I could steer out of it. I hit rocks and other objects in the road all the time and am always able to work my way out of danger. But then I realize I'm going too fast and my correction is making it worse. I brace myself for impact and try to position myself so I land on my ample soft ass.

I hit the ground and immediately pop up only to collapse in the nearby grassy area. I had the wind knocked out of me and was starting to panic. A couple of soccer players came to help and began picking up my belongings that were now scattered about the path. Once my breathing normalized I thanked them.

Here's where I may have made a mistake. Since I'm a super macho guy, I decided to ride home rather than call for help from The Jester or someone else close that could accommodate a bike in their automobile.

So facing a strong southerly wind and pain up and down my left side, I headed home. It took nearly two hours. I'm not that bright.

But I am alive. And feeling slightly better. But I have some nice strawberries up and down my left side. Buy me a beer and I'll show them to you.

Or not.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Become an April Fool

From the Dallas Observer


You've dreamed for years of taking off work, jetting to Wilmington and spending a few days downing the great beers of Delaware. Well, Flying Saucer Draught Emporium saves you the trouble.
On April 1--yes, April 1, a day when everyone suspects some sort of double-cross--Flying Saucer's Montfort location hosts Claus Hagelman of the state's Dogfish Head Craft Brewery. He will present a vertical tasting of four labels: 2009 and 2006 Fort, Immort Ale and 120 Minute IPA, along with the 2009 and 2005 Burton Baton--all from Dogfish Head.
The "Off-Centered Beer Tasting Experience" (that's what they call it, thanks to the brand's unusual slogan), takes place April Fool's Day at 8 p.m. and costs $35 for UFO Club members and $40 for non-members. There's limited space, so reservations are required.
Beats a trip east.


I would disagree. A trip to Rehoboth is well worth it and not just for Dogfish Head.

2009: Week 11

This week can be summed up in two words:

THE END.

Not to worry, I'm not ending the blog. If anything, the blog will probably be seeing a lot more action.

But two of "my stories" had there series finales (THE END, if you will) this week -- Battlestar Galactica and The Flight of the Concords. Also, I was told that my stint with Beal Bank will be ending.

But when a door closes, others open. And if doors don't open for me. Well, at least beers will open.

I would also like to welcome the Facebookers that can now read my poorly worded missives since I've synched (sunched?) my blog up with Facebook. You can read all my ramblings here.



Highlights:
3) Discovering the soul-crushing dankness of Ships Lounge.
2) My first 30 mile ride up the White Rock Creek path of the Spring.
1) Drinking scotch and smoking cigars at BC & Barb's.


Vital Stats:

  • 2 -- weeks I have left with Beal
  • 20 -- beers tasted at Sigel's free beer tasting
  • 11 -- "gilf hunter" searchers that found my blog. Down from 14 last week. I guess even gilf hunting has been effected by the economy.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Caption Contest



I'll get it started:




Worst remake of Sigmund and the Sea Monster Ever

The Spring of Steve

After weeks of practically doing nothing at work every day, the higher ups realized I was no longer needed and gave me the boot. To Beal's great credit, they are keeping me on for the next two weeks.

So let the Spring of Steve begin (in two weeks).

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Your Daily Work Avoidance Activity: Mental Floss' Tournament of Genius

Ok. Maybe it's not daily, but I do what I can.

Which can be found here.



But seriously, Leibniz is a 16 seed, lower than Bill Fucking Simmons?!?!?!

Diving Dallas: Ships

If despondency and desolation had a smell, it would smell like Ships. This place make Moe’s look like Ghostbar.

And I love it.

It is rare when a dive bar can out dive the likes of The PastTime Tavern and Club Schmitz. Ships accomplishes this task and then some. I dub the The Taj Madive.

Ships has everything you want in a dive bar.

Very low ceilings.

A "United We Stand" banner above the bar that was hung in 2001 that now has a fine patina of cigarette smoke and despair.

There were 20 people in the bar, only 2 of whom were smoking and it was, by far, the smokiest bar of the night, Winedales included.

A juke box containing nothing before 1974.


This place is so smokey, a year after the smoking ban you will still smell like an ashtray vomited on you after you leave.

A+

1613 Greenville AveDallas, TX 75206


Please enjoy my map of Dallas Dives. I've only included those that I've been to. So Windmill and The Goat have not yet been added. But will be added soon, I hope.


View Larger Map

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Stuff You Should Know: St. Patrick's Day Edition

Courtesy this article.
THE PERFECT POUR
Master brewer Fergal Murray of St. James's Gate brewery in Dublin describes the process of pouring the "perfect" Guinness pint. The pour should take 119.5 seconds.

1. The Glass Firmly grasp a clean, dry pint glass.
2. The 45-degree Angle Hold the glass at a 45-degree angle. Grab hold of the tap.
3. The Pour Pull the tap handle toward you in a smooth flow until fully open. Let the beer flow into the glass. You'll hear a constant hiss from the tap. When three-quarters full, straighten up the glass and slowly and smoothly stop the tap.
4. The Surge and Settle Set the glass down and allow the beer to settle.
Behold the cascading surge of bubbles as the nitrogen, lying dormant in the beer, come out of solution and forms a creamy head.
5. The Top Up Once the liquid has settled, take the glass and, holding it straight, push the tap away from you slightly. Take the creamy head to the brim and build a crown just over the top.
6. The Presentation & Savor (or, How to Drink a Perfect Pint of Guinness) Look to the horizon. Elbow up. Savor every sip.

Monday, March 16, 2009

2009: Week 10

Oh sweet Daylight Savings Time, welcome back to my life. With your arrival, my biking season has officially begun.

As a new feature this week I will enumerate the my best 3 things to happen this week. And it may be this week only depending on if there are even 3 top moments in a given week.

3) Learning that Lauren spent some of her time Googling "Gilf Hunter"
2) Meeting The Old 97s' Rhett Miller and having him compliment me on my glasses.
1) Hearing Flight of the Conchord's Hiphopopatamus being played at The Old Monk.



Vital Stats:
  • 14 -- people who accessed my blog using the search term "gilf hunter"
  • 2 -- pictures of his stream Matt sent me from the Old Monk bathroom.
  • 1 -- thongs seen on St. Patrick's Day (observed) worn over the chick's tights.
  • 20 -- dollars lost playing poker drunk on St. Pat's Day (observed)

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Worst Person in the World

This week I had expressed doubts about continuing this blog and asked to hear from my readers so as to gauge my readership. With the help of copious reader comments and Google Analytics (now with 50% more anal), my blogging wienie has been re-invigorated.

Almost universally, my friends/readers have expressed their appreciation for my continued effort and enjoyed my renewed passion in finding flaws in all God's creations.

So, after taking a few days off from the blog in order to over consume adult beverages to celebrate an Irish holiday that is barely celebrated in Ireland on a day that is not the actual day of the holiday, I get the following IM from JT:

nice work blogging. is your invisible net ink proprietary?

Really? This is supposed to encourage me to continue this? If this thing feels like a job and I have deadlines based on some arbitrary JT timetables, I'll probably be less excited about watching a bad movie or even taking pictures of egrets and this thing gets shut down or it goes back to the pre-Analytics trickle (which, by the way, is curable with FloMax).

You're in Germany, for fuck sake. Don't you have better things to do on a Sunday then repeated check my blog? Isn't there a David Hasselhoff cover band to go see?

And this coming from someone whose own blog is so infrequently updated you have to put on a surgical mask before visiting it lest you choke to death from the dust and cobwebs there.

J.T. Richardson, today's worrrrrrsssssst peeeerrrrrrrsooooooon in the Woooooooooorrrrrrrld.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

I, For One, Welcome Our New Monkey Overlords


or

Giant Monkeys Used to Scare Away Giant Cats.

Blu-Ray Review: Zack and Miri Make a Porno


There’s no such thing as free titties.
-- Delaney


What the hell has happened to Kevin Smith. I can remember seeing Clerks for the first time and thinking it was one of the funniest, realist movies I had ever seen. Mallrats may have been a slight misstep in comparison, but it had its moments. And Chasing Amy was pure genius.

But things started going downhill with Dogma. I know a lot of people like this movie. But I it wasn’t very funny and was shocking just to be shocking. And Jay & Silent Bob was the movie making equivalent of autofellatio (that should get some web traffic). Not that we all wouldn’t do it if we could.

At this point I pretty much gave up on Kevin Smith. There was absolutely nothing to interest me in Jersey Girl and I figured Clerks II would just sully the memory of a once great movie.
But when Zack and Miri Make a Porno came out I remember thinking, “That looks like a good movie to get on Blu-Ray Netflix, because, hey, it’s got Porno right there in the title.”

So I did in fact receive Zack and Miri Make a Porno along with the similarly titled Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist. In the mood to see some titties, I figured I would go with Z&M first.

This was a big mistake.

I would like to announce that whatever Kevin Smith may have had in the early 90s is completely gone. With Zack & Miri Make a Porno, he has thrown up the white flag and decided his way is to copy the great Judd Apatow. Essentially he can’t think of anything funny, so he gets Seth Rogen and the little Indian dude from 40 Year Old Virgin and have him say “Suck cock”. Hilarity ensues.

This is a painfully unfunny movie that is not helped by Smith’s signature Dragnet-like dialog reading. In Clerks it added to the Indie feel of the movie. Now it just amplifies the amateurishness of the production and the unfunniness of the jokes. Comedy acting can’s sound like it’s being read directly from a script.

But the truly offensive part of this move is not its lack of funny but how it treats its subject matter. In these the late 00s, it’s just not this hard to make a porno. Anyone with a cell phone and a female friend with low self esteem can make a YouPorn clip. But this movie we need equipment, actors, sets and costumes. Costumes!?!??!?! It’s a fucking porno.

But more aggravatingly, every sex seen in the movie they make goes straight to intercourse. Has Kevin Smith never seen a porno? I doubt it! Where the fuck is the oral? And the star of the movie doesn’t even take off her top? Has there ever been a porno in which the lead actress does not take off her top?

I’m just saying respect your subject matter, Kevin.

There are some cues that maybe this film was meant to be set in the 80s. The idea that a porno has to have a plot certainly was prevalent then. There is also a pair of kids that hang out at the coffee shop that I thought we were supposed to think of as a young Jay & Silent Bob. The movie would make more sense this way. But they can’t be Jay & Silent Bob since this movie takes place in Pittsburgh.

And another thing, you make a movie in Pittsburgh and there’s not one scene in a Primanti’s?? Not one long, lingering shot of a South Side Slope??



  • 10 Breasts
  • 0 Beasts
  • 4 Laughs
  • 0 Out loud laughs

Academy Award Nomination for Justin Long for being the only good thing in this pile of guano.


Academy Award Nomination for Jason Mewes for hooking up with Kevin Smith early in life and delivering very little late in life.

D


King Wally says check it out at your own risk.

Welcome Granny Lovers

After lamenting that I didn't have any readers and expressing a need for love comments, Jason suggested I add Google's Analytics to track the visitors to my site. I had been resistant to adding a tracker since I had one on my old site, Bigedsfupa.com, and found the statistics to be fairly boring and meaningless. All the juicy information was for pay only. Fuck that.

But Google Analytics, like much that Google touches IS AWESOME.

My visitors can be broken down into all kinds of groups – browser, operating system, country. I knew I had a German reader, but hello Canada and The Netherlands.

But the most interesting thing that the report tells me is who comes to this site via a search engine and what their search was. And now I know, after only 3 days mind you, that 33% of my unique visitors come here having used the search term "GILF Hunter". Just over a year ago I wrote this posting about a certain future Republican Vice Presidential candidate with the title GILF Hunter. Only in my case the G stood for Governor.

So to all you Granny lovers who have wondered onto my site I say "Welcome". You have prompted me to change my site motto to :

Come for the Grannies, stay for the bacon.

What other headlines should I use to help drive traffic to this site? I'll get the ball rolling (ooh, that could be one) with Hot Asian Teens.


Wednesday, March 11, 2009

2009: Week 9

After such a busy week last week, not much happened this week. Pretty much all of this week's hijinks occurred on Saturday at the Winter League Tourney.






Vital Stats:
  • 1 -- hours of sleep lost to Daylight Savings Time. But it's worth it to have daylight after work.
  • 10 -- out of 10, weeks I showed up to WL after saying I would only show up. I guess I had a pretty, pretty, pretty good time.
  • 479 -pictures taken at the Winter League Tournament.
  • 1025 - dollars raised by Vanessa at her Hat Tournament to support her Summit for Someone climb this summer. If you would like to make a donation, you can here.


  • I, For One, Welcome Our New Giant Cat Overlords.


    File Under A for Awwwwwwwww

    Today was Zoë's first experience with rain -- she's not a fan.

    First let me describe our typical mornings. Upon being release for the dreaded crate, Zoë bolts to the back door with Alex and goes outside and pees. Then the dogs come back inside for a little play and attention from the King. I guess the sound of coffee dripping works on Zoë's bowels about as well as mine as after a few minutes back in the house -- while I'm making coffee -- it's time to go outside for to make a kiki.

    Today, with the big rain coming down, it didn't quite work like that. With big sister Alex by her side, she negotiated the rain for her morning pee. But, minutes later when it was time to drop a deuce, was when trouble began.

    While I'm in the kitchen making a cup of trigger juice, she barked to go outside again. I let her out and then she just stands outside by the door. So I let her back in and she plays with Alex for one minute. Then it's back to the back door for back door doody. Again I let her out. She goes out and stands at the door. Again I let her back in. This process repeats one more time.

    She's a smart dog when she wants to be. So I imagine she thought, "Hey, I bet it's not raining out the front door." So she stood there and I let her out the front door to do her poo.

    Hilarity ensued.

    She stepped out and turned around in a circle once. You could tell she really needed to go. But it was still cold and, while it was not raining on her, there was rain in the vicinity. So, she stepped back inside, only to quickly go back outside and make another circle. This happened twice when nature got the best of her and she finally opened up the bomb bay doors and let fly on the leaves that constantly accumulate at my front door.

    Mission Accomplished.


    And yes I have started menstruating.

    Tuesday, March 10, 2009

    Blu-Ray Review: Forgetting Sarah Marshall

    I had originally decided that, as this movie was only slightly above average, it probably did no deserve a movie review from me. I'm a very busy person and cannot be bothered to write several lines about a movie that was merely above average.

    Don't get me wrong. I did really like. There is something personally appealling to me about a big goofy guy like How I Met Your Mother's Jason Segel getting to fuck both Kristen Bell and Mila Kunis. And the plot -- a recently dump guy trying to clear his head of thoughts of his hot ex goes to Hawaii where said hot ex is at the exact same hotel with her new beau -- does deliver on uncomfortable hilarity. But there weren't the gut-busting laughs like you get from a Superbad or a Step Brothers.

    In fact, the movie it's closest to, The Hammer, is a better, funnier movie. So, nope, no review here.

    But then I started rewatching it on the HBO or Showtime or whatever and I began to realize that this is the greatest movie ever for one criterion, and one criterion only.

    This movie possess the largest collection of women that I would actually want to make sex on.

    Of course, other movies have many more "hot" women than this. But Forgetting Sarah Marshall has women that, at least in this reviewers twisted mind, are semi-attainable.

    They are not the typical hot Hollywood whore. They're more like the cutest chick in marching band -- maybe a little hotter.

    Let's run them down, and see if you agree:

    Kristen Bell - aka Veronica Mars, aka Electric Elle on Heroes. She's cute with a rockin petite body. But the face is just off enough that after a few Buttery Nipples at the Capitol Grille, she might be within reach.

    Mila Kunis – the cute chick from That 70’s Show. She’s adorably cute, but not a classic beauty. And she kinda talks funny. So she probably has some self esteem issues about that. Low self esteem = fun.

    Kristin Wiig – many characters on SNL – hillariously funny in her one scene in the movie. She looks like the fun chick in your circle of friends and she’s funny.

    Maria Thayer – I had only seen her once before as the blind chick Kenneth was smitten with on 30 Rock. Unknown to me at the time, this was a bit of stunt-casting as she played Jack McBrayer’s (30 Rock’s Kenneth) wife in Forgetting Sarah Marshall. She’s an amazing redhead with amazing porcelain skin with a light dusting of amazing freckles. Since she’s the least know of the four, she’s probably the most gettable.


    • 6 breasts
    • 0 beasts
    • Luau-fu

    Academy Award Nomination to Jason Segel for writing a movie where he gets to hold Mila Kunis while naked. Unfortunately, it was him, not her.

    Anti -Academy Award nomination for the director of photography for filming Kristen Bell’s nude scene so you can’t see anything.

    B+

    King Wally says check it out.

    Monday, March 9, 2009

    2009: Week 8


    Sorry for this being double late. But with the questions of the future of the blog, I neglected to write it up.

    Busy. Busy week.

    Monday – Stars Game.

    Tuesday – Mardi Gras at Duke’s. This may have been a mistake on many levels. But let me say one thing about the beating that is Mardi Gras at Duke’s. As far as I can remember, I don’t remember the Cajuns playing a lot of hip-hop and craphole pop music. If I can switch on Old Man Mode, why do we have to listen to the same godsdamn crap people are running away from in droves on the radio? Are we just going to let the Idiocracy overrun us and accept the putdridness of modern pop music? What? We couldn’t throw in some Zydeco or New Orleans Jazz every now and then? And another thing. Mardi Gras officially ends at straight up Midnight – when Lent begins. All you people still drinking and carousing after midnight are all going straight to hell.

    Wednesday – WedNiteUlt followed by the regular trip to the Barley House with Special Guest Stars Trent’s Krewe of Drinks. (Quasi Mardi Gras call back). Happy birthday Turbo.

    Thursday – Drinks and quesadillas at the HoHo Cantina

    Friday – could have gone to the Barcadia, but needed a night off.

    Saturday – a very cold Winter League and the accompanying funanigans.

    Sunday – Recovery

    Vital Stats
    • 0 – games won this week. Very disappointing since we had finally crawled back to .500 – very Stars-like.
    • 1 – upwind points given up in our second game. Unfortunately we gave it up during hard cap.
    • 2 Million – number of downloads of the Adam Carolla Podcast making it the #1 podcast on iTunes. So suck it This American Life.
    • 8.5 – Pounds Zoë weighed at the Vet.

    Sunday, March 8, 2009

    So Where Do We Go From Here?

    As mentioned in a comment about the vulture, I am considering shutting this blog down. It has served it's purpose and much of the content here can be moved over to Facebook. But this has been met with protestations from those that I've mentioned this to.

    But I am reconsidering.

    But much of my angst about continuing is that this blog is only read by JT and Glenn since they are the only ones that regularly comment. Comments are the only way I have to know that this is being read and enjoyed.

    So, over the next month I will continue on with the blog as before. With Winter League over I should have more time on the weekends to blog.

    But I need feedback.

    Please take the time to post a comment here or there. It doesn't have to be every post or even every day. I just need to gauge who all is reading and if it's worth continuing

    Thank you all for you readerage.

    Douchebag Warning

    The National Weather Service has issued a douchebag warning for the lower Greenville area after two douchebags in knit caps were seen walking along Greenville avenue. With temperatures in the upper 70s, bright clear skies and little wind, the need for a knit cap would seem minimal except to a douchebag who has copped his look from early 00s LA douchbags.

    Residents of Lower Greenville should take appropriate precautions for this Category 3 Warning as one of the douchebags was seen carrying/playing a mandolin while walking.