Friday, April 29, 2011

Hitler’s Final Solution: A Quarter Pound of Moist Brisket

In honor of the anniversary of Adolf and Ava getting married, I present you this comedy.

Dirty facebookers may access the hahas here.

Hat tip to Magpie for alerting me to this and Frontburner for reminding me.

Live Blogging the Royal Wedding of Kate and William

I would have seriously dropped the ball as a blogger of the quintessential blog of record not to cover the most important event in the history of human history.  So here is my live blogging of the emotional roller coaster I will endure during this momentous event.

3:00 AM CDT – Royal wedding coverage starts on most US networks.  I remain curled up in my bed sleeping.

4:00 AM CDT – One of the dogs jumps off the couch loudly, temporarily waking me.  I roll over and go back to sleep.

5:30 AM CDT – As has been customary the past few weeks (probably paleo related), I wake up.  Not yet ready to get out of bed, I once again roll over and try to catch a quick nap.

6:54 AM CDT – I finally wake up for good and turn on The Ticket.  The Musers discuss the Mavs great good victory over the Portland Trailblazers.

7:15 AM CDT – The Great Gordo, during Muse in the News discuss “The Wedding”.  He makes several comments about Williams receding hairline and Kate’s hotter sister Pippa.

7:35 AM CDT – I finally get out of bed and take a shower to take on another Friday.

7:50 AM CDT – I take the dogs out to pee.

8:10 AM CDT – Exiting my garage in my Xterra, I begin my commute to work.

8:40 AM CDT – Ribby Paultz, reporting from London where he’s covering the weather, presents his 2011 NFL mock draft to the Musers one day late.  He has Dallas taking Tyron Smith with the 9th pick.

8:50 AM CDT – I finally make it into work.

9:10 AM CDT – I begin writing this post.

 

Please someone explain to me why I should care, and not openly mock those that do care, about the wedding of two foreign inbreds.  I don’t’ give a shit about my friends’ weddings.  Now the receptions I love.  Will they be televising the reception?  What kind of booze will be at the open bar?  Did they get Emerald City to perform or Petty Theft?

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Top Five Most Annoying People in the World

5) Backwards Parker – You’re driving behind someone in a parking lot when all of a sudden their backup lights go one and you have to slam on the breaks.  They then spend the next 90 minutes backing into a parking spot and you can’t maneuver around them.  Essentially, the backwards parker is simultaneously telling you “Fuck You” by wasting your time and “Look at me, I can park backwards.”  Hey, asshat, this saves no time and wastes mine.

4) One or Two item Central Market Grocery Cart User – Specifically I mean the mini carts at Central Market.  I swear to sweet clean baby jebus that one day somebody is going to sever both of my Achilles tendons with one of these carts.   You’ve got only a few items, use a hand cart.  The aisles are too narrow for all these mostly empty carts.

3) Perpendicular Elevator Riders – It is the generally accepted practice that, when riding in an elevator, everyone should face towards the doors.  But more and more I’m confronted with the person that stands facing perpendicular to this direction.  So, instead of facing the door, which eliminates any kind of eye contact whatsoever, he/she faces a wall.  So, not only is eye contact a possibility, but awkward chit-chat is an eventuality.  Please, people, just face the door and pretend there is no one else on the elevator.

2) Phrase Turning Blogger – This is self evident.

1) Fergie – Not only is she a part of the most annoying musical act in the history of sound, but thanks to my devotion to the Texas Rangers and the Maverick’s eminent playoff collapse, I have been bombarded with her Cherry Dr Pepper guzzling during each commercial break. And if this is the female form the prevailing zeitgeist requires me to be attracted to, then let the cock chugging begin.

 

As always, if you are in any of these groups, I don’t mean you, of course.  Unless you’re Fergie.  In which case, please kill yourself.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Dallas Fucks Up A Good Thing: Chapter 3781

The Can’t Do City has temporarily put the kibosh on Pecan Lodge Catering selling  what is regarded as the best BBQ in the Dallas city limits.  I guess someone at Sonny Bryan’s or one of the other craphole BBQ chains complained.

Read the whole story from PegasusNews here.

Thank you Dallas, from saving the public from delicious BBQ.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

New Glasses

IMG_0264

Thanks to Lidia for picking them out.

Yes, I do need some powder on the top of my head to tone down the shininess.

Winter League Tournament: The Pictures

Thanks to Magpie for taking one of the rare pictures of me playing Ultimate.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Winter League Week 9: The Pictures

Yeah, I’m way behind with this stuff.  Winter League is over and I’m just getting around to the penultimate (see what I did there?) week.

 

Saturday, April 2, 2011

It’s Not Just Me That Remembers The Good Ol’ Days

Except for a handful of visits to The Libertine, I hadn’t been down on lower Greenville on a Thursday since the good old days of Thursday Night Liver Practice at The Blarney Stone.  I had read on City of Ate that the food trucks had finally arrived at the old burned out Arcadia block and decided to take a side trip on my usual dog walk through Lakewood.

We hit Greenville on Prospect between the Char Bar and some Hookah bar.  BTW, is there anything douchier than a hookah bar?  Oooh, look at me I’m smoking something with honey and eucalyptus.  I’m so avant garde.

We then headed north and as I’m walking passed (the recently closed?) Winedale’s, Alex, on her long retractable leash, heads right into The Blarney Stone patio and waits patiently at the door.  I get to the Blarney Stone and she looks back at me as if say, “Hey, hurry up.  Alan has a Guinness in there for you and I’m ready to hang out here with all my friends!”.

I cried a little inside.

There does appear to be something afoot at the Blarney Stone.  I couldn’t quite tell what. But there is a fridge with beer inside.

As for the food trucks, I guess I got there too early or too late.

Friday, April 1, 2011

April Fool’s Give Up

I had intended on reformatting my blog as either “The Plush Toys of Steve” or a Lady GaGa tribute site as this year’s April Fool’s day hilarity.  But that was way too much work for so little pay off.  After all, except for Magpie and maybe JT, most of these narcissistic ramblings are read on The Facebook.  So any reworking of the blog format would be lost.

Instead, I’ll just mention that I’m shutting down my blog since I got a new jobMy fiancé and I will be moving to Portland.  Thanks to Matt for helping us load up the U-Haul.