Wednesday, December 31, 2008

What?!?! No Bumble Bee Man???

The Onion Says What We All Think

clipped from www.theonion.com

Even CEO Can't Figure Out How RadioShack Still In Business

FORT WORTH, TX—Despite having been on the job for nine months, RadioShack CEO Julian Day said Monday that he still has "no idea" how the home electronics store manages to stay open.

"There must be some sort of business model that enables this company to make money, but I'll be damned if I know what it is," Day said. "You wouldn't think that people still buy enough strobe lights and extension cords to support an entire nationwide chain, but I guess they must, or I wouldn't have this desk to sit behind all day."

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Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Central Market Douchebag of the Week

There is no store I have more of a love/hate relationship with than Central Market. It's where I do the vast majority of my grocery shopping. But there are aspects of the store that drive me crazy, most notably, the other people that shop there. So, I'm introducing a new feature to The Summer of Steve called: Central Market Douchebag of the Week. No doubt this feature will go the way of the dodo like my other features – Daily Minutae and Worst Person in the World. But to be fair, the latter was caused by a cease and desist order from MSNBC.

This week's candidates:

  1. The Anal-Retentive chef that meticulously tied each produce sack with a twist tie before weighing his produce, thus preventing anyone from using that scale until he was done.
  2. The Aren't We Precious High School/College chicks clogging up the cheese area (ironic?) by having one girl push the oversized cart with little in it while the other holds an iPhone up to her ear so she can tell her friend about being at Central Market.
  3. The Introspective Rabbi sitting outside the café on a 30° day. I don't think he was really a rabbi. But he was doing his darndest to look like a young Bob Dylan – all the while scribbling down his insightful poetic ramblings while sipping his latte.
  4. The Bald Dude with the Hipster-Doofus glasses passing judgment on all he sees around him


Thursday, December 18, 2008

Gee, Thanks for the Headsup

I got some spam today from Forbes with this exciting headline:

Five stocks you should know about now (as of 10/31/08).


Wow! Really!


Well, shit. Let me get in my Delorean and go back 6 weeks so I can make a killing in the market. This will really help the 401(k).
What next? A strong sell recommendation (as of 9/1929)??

A Festivus Feast

If you haven't already done your Festivus grocery shopping, you should check here for some ideas.
I would add a Junior Mint Martini for dessert.
1 shot Creme de Menthe
1 shot Creme de Cocoa
1 shot Vanilla Vodka
Hmmmmmm. Maybe I should bring a batch of these to Festivus.
Pass the big salad, please.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Today's Worst Person In The World

This past week I've been doing the thing I did out in Cali -- sit around and wait for my near perfection application to break. But this time I'm doing it up in beautiful, tropical Lewisville Texas.

Yes, it's tiring being a rock star. But with enough booger sugar, anything's possible.

And with the job site up in Lewisville, I have been forced to use the horrible I35E freeway. No one should ever complain about using Central or the Toll Road. Those highways are luxurious free flowing streams in comparison to 35E.

No, I'm not making the freeway the worst person. Instead I'm calling out one of our so-called public servants. This morning, while driving up I35 in one of the regular lanes I saw ahead a truck that illegally crossed the double HOV lane divider and entered my lane. This guy is not today's Worst Person either. Instead, it was the assclown in the DART truck lazily driving up well slower than any of the normal lanes. He wasn't stopping to pick up debris or anything. He was just going slow while the taxpayers of the Metroplex were trying to get to work. Just because you have two people in your truck doesn't mean you HAVE to drive in the HOV lane. The HOV lane is there so you can go faster than the other lanes, not slower.

The dumbass DART employee clogging up the HOV lane -- Today's WORST PERSON in the WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRDDDD.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Your Moment of Zen

The Next Time I Will Walk Into The Cock & Bull Will Be......

April 10, 2009!

It will be then that Lakewood's smokiest gastropub will be to tolerable to non-smokers.

Thank you Dallas City Council. You finally did something right. Although my libertarian leanings may disagree with these kinds of nanny-state intrusions into property rights, I hate stinking like smoke after leaving a bar. So deploy the Jack-Booted thugs to enforce my desire to drown my sorrows in semi-clean air.

I Like Mine with Some Mustard and Chopped Onions


Because some are tired of looking at that fatass on your crackberries.

Friday, December 5, 2008

GO COWBOYS!!!


Primantis will take a toll.

If You're Thinking Of Getting Your Favorite Blogger a Christmas Gift...

Serious Eats Gift Guide: For Bacon Lovers



If you're a Serious Eats regular, chances are you're also a bacon lover. We've created a holiday gift guide especially for you to share with your friends and family to ensure your holidays are bacon-filled. You can thank us later.

Monday, December 1, 2008