I, For One, Welcome Our New Monkey Overlords

or

Giant Monkeys Used to Scare Away Giant Cats.

Blu-Ray Review: Zack and Miri Make a Porno

There’s no such thing as free titties.
-- Delaney


What the hell has happened to Kevin Smith. I can remember seeing Clerks for the first time and thinking it was one of the funniest, realist movies I had ever seen. Mallrats may have been a slight misstep in comparison, but it had its moments. And Chasing Amy was pure genius.

But things started going downhill with Dogma. I know a lot of people like this movie. But I it wasn’t very funny and was shocking just to be shocking. And Jay & Silent Bob was the movie making equivalent of autofellatio (that should get some web traffic). Not that we all wouldn’t do it if we could.

At this point I pretty much gave up on Kevin Smith. There was absolutely nothing to interest me in Jersey Girl and I figured Clerks II would just sully the memory of a once great movie.
But when Zack and Miri Make a Porno came out I remember thinking, “That looks like a good movie to get on Blu-Ray Netflix, because, hey, it’s got Porno right there in the title.”

So I did in fact receive Zack and Miri Make a Porno along with the similarly titled Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist. In the mood to see some titties, I figured I would go with Z&M first.

This was a big mistake.

I would like to announce that whatever Kevin Smith may have had in the early 90s is completely gone. With Zack & Miri Make a Porno, he has thrown up the white flag and decided his way is to copy the great Judd Apatow. Essentially he can’t think of anything funny, so he gets Seth Rogen and the little Indian dude from 40 Year Old Virgin and have him say “Suck cock”. Hilarity ensues.

This is a painfully unfunny movie that is not helped by Smith’s signature Dragnet-like dialog reading. In Clerks it added to the Indie feel of the movie. Now it just amplifies the amateurishness of the production and the unfunniness of the jokes. Comedy acting can’s sound like it’s being read directly from a script.

But the truly offensive part of this move is not its lack of funny but how it treats its subject matter. In these the late 00s, it’s just not this hard to make a porno. Anyone with a cell phone and a female friend with low self esteem can make a YouPorn clip. But this movie we need equipment, actors, sets and costumes. Costumes!?!??!?! It’s a fucking porno.

But more aggravatingly, every sex seen in the movie they make goes straight to intercourse. Has Kevin Smith never seen a porno? I doubt it! Where the fuck is the oral? And the star of the movie doesn’t even take off her top? Has there ever been a porno in which the lead actress does not take off her top?

I’m just saying respect your subject matter, Kevin.

There are some cues that maybe this film was meant to be set in the 80s. The idea that a porno has to have a plot certainly was prevalent then. There is also a pair of kids that hang out at the coffee shop that I thought we were supposed to think of as a young Jay & Silent Bob. The movie would make more sense this way. But they can’t be Jay & Silent Bob since this movie takes place in Pittsburgh.

And another thing, you make a movie in Pittsburgh and there’s not one scene in a Primanti’s?? Not one long, lingering shot of a South Side Slope??

• 10 Breasts
• 0 Beasts
• 4 Laughs
• 0 Out loud laughs
  

Academy Award Nomination for Justin Long for being the only good thing in this pile of guano.

Academy Award Nomination for Jason Mewes for hooking up with Kevin Smith early in life and delivering very little late in life.

D

King Wally says check it out at your own risk.

Welcome Granny Lovers

After lamenting that I didn't have any readers and expressing a need for love comments, Jason suggested I add Google's Analytics to track the visitors to my site. I had been resistant to adding a tracker since I had one on my old site, Bigedsfupa.com, and found the statistics to be fairly boring and meaningless. All the juicy information was for pay only. Fuck that.

But Google Analytics, like much that Google touches IS AWESOME.

My visitors can be broken down into all kinds of groups – browser, operating system, country. I knew I had a German reader, but hello Canada and The Netherlands.

But the most interesting thing that the report tells me is who comes to this site via a search engine and what their search was. And now I know, after only 3 days mind you, that 33% of my unique visitors come here having used the search term "GILF Hunter". Just over a year ago I wrote this posting about a certain future Republican Vice Presidential candidate with the title GILF Hunter. Only in my case the G stood for Governor.

So to all you Granny lovers who have wondered onto my site I say "Welcome". You have prompted me to change my site motto to :

Come for the Grannies, stay for the bacon.

What other headlines should I use to help drive traffic to this site? I'll get the ball rolling (ooh, that could be one) with Hot Asian Teens.

2009: Week 9

After such a busy week last week, not much happened this week. Pretty much all of this week's hijinks occurred on Saturday at the Winter League Tourney.






Vital Stats:

• 1 -- hours of sleep lost to Daylight Savings Time. But it's worth it to have daylight after work.
• 10 -- out of 10, weeks I showed up to WL after saying I would only show up. I guess I had a pretty, pretty, pretty good time.
• 479 -pictures taken at the Winter League Tournament.
• 1025 - dollars raised by Vanessa at her Hat Tournament to support her Summit for Someone climb this summer. If you would like to make a donation, you can here.
  

I, For One, Welcome Our New Giant Cat Overlords.

File Under A for Awwwwwwwww

Today was Zoë's first experience with rain -- she's not a fan.

First let me describe our typical mornings. Upon being release for the dreaded crate, Zoë bolts to the back door with Alex and goes outside and pees. Then the dogs come back inside for a little play and attention from the King. I guess the sound of coffee dripping works on Zoë's bowels about as well as mine as after a few minutes back in the house -- while I'm making coffee -- it's time to go outside for to make a kiki.

Today, with the big rain coming down, it didn't quite work like that. With big sister Alex by her side, she negotiated the rain for her morning pee. But, minutes later when it was time to drop a deuce, was when trouble began.

While I'm in the kitchen making a cup of trigger juice, she barked to go outside again. I let her out and then she just stands outside by the door. So I let her back in and she plays with Alex for one minute. Then it's back to the back door for back door doody. Again I let her out. She goes out and stands at the door. Again I let her back in. This process repeats one more time.

She's a smart dog when she wants to be. So I imagine she thought, "Hey, I bet it's not raining out the front door." So she stood there and I let her out the front door to do her poo.

Hilarity ensued.

She stepped out and turned around in a circle once. You could tell she really needed to go. But it was still cold and, while it was not raining on her, there was rain in the vicinity. So, she stepped back inside, only to quickly go back outside and make another circle. This happened twice when nature got the best of her and she finally opened up the bomb bay doors and let fly on the leaves that constantly accumulate at my front door.

Mission Accomplished.


And yes I have started menstruating.

Blu-Ray Review: Forgetting Sarah Marshall

I had originally decided that, as this movie was only slightly above average, it probably did no deserve a movie review from me. I'm a very busy person and cannot be bothered to write several lines about a movie that was merely above average.

Don't get me wrong. I did really like. There is something personally appealling to me about a big goofy guy like How I Met Your Mother's Jason Segel getting to fuck both Kristen Bell and Mila Kunis. And the plot -- a recently dump guy trying to clear his head of thoughts of his hot ex goes to Hawaii where said hot ex is at the exact same hotel with her new beau -- does deliver on uncomfortable hilarity. But there weren't the gut-busting laughs like you get from a Superbad or a Step Brothers.

In fact, the movie it's closest to, The Hammer, is a better, funnier movie. So, nope, no review here.

But then I started rewatching it on the HBO or Showtime or whatever and I began to realize that this is the greatest movie ever for one criterion, and one criterion only.

This movie possess the largest collection of women that I would actually want to make sex on.

Of course, other movies have many more "hot" women than this. But Forgetting Sarah Marshall has women that, at least in this reviewers twisted mind, are semi-attainable.

They are not the typical hot Hollywood whore. They're more like the cutest chick in marching band -- maybe a little hotter.

Let's run them down, and see if you agree:

Kristen Bell - aka Veronica Mars, aka Electric Elle on Heroes. She's cute with a rockin petite body. But the face is just off enough that after a few Buttery Nipples at the Capitol Grille, she might be within reach.

Mila Kunis – the cute chick from That 70’s Show. She’s adorably cute, but not a classic beauty. And she kinda talks funny. So she probably has some self esteem issues about that. Low self esteem = fun.

Kristin Wiig – many characters on SNL – hillariously funny in her one scene in the movie. She looks like the fun chick in your circle of friends and she’s funny.

Maria Thayer – I had only seen her once before as the blind chick Kenneth was smitten with on 30 Rock. Unknown to me at the time, this was a bit of stunt-casting as she played Jack McBrayer’s (30 Rock’s Kenneth) wife in Forgetting Sarah Marshall. She’s an amazing redhead with amazing porcelain skin with a light dusting of amazing freckles. Since she’s the least know of the four, she’s probably the most gettable.

• 6 breasts
• 0 beasts
• Luau-fu
  

Academy Award Nomination to Jason Segel for writing a movie where he gets to hold Mila Kunis while naked. Unfortunately, it was him, not her.

Anti -Academy Award nomination for the director of photography for filming Kristen Bell’s nude scene so you can’t see anything.

B+

King Wally says check it out.

2009: Week 8

Sorry for this being double late. But with the questions of the future of the blog, I neglected to write it up.

Busy. Busy week.

Monday – Stars Game.

Tuesday – Mardi Gras at Duke’s. This may have been a mistake on many levels. But let me say one thing about the beating that is Mardi Gras at Duke’s. As far as I can remember, I don’t remember the Cajuns playing a lot of hip-hop and craphole pop music. If I can switch on Old Man Mode, why do we have to listen to the same godsdamn crap people are running away from in droves on the radio? Are we just going to let the Idiocracy overrun us and accept the putdridness of modern pop music? What? We couldn’t throw in some Zydeco or New Orleans Jazz every now and then? And another thing. Mardi Gras officially ends at straight up Midnight – when Lent begins. All you people still drinking and carousing after midnight are all going straight to hell.

Wednesday – WedNiteUlt followed by the regular trip to the Barley House with Special Guest Stars Trent’s Krewe of Drinks. (Quasi Mardi Gras call back). Happy birthday Turbo.

Thursday – Drinks and quesadillas at the HoHo Cantina

Friday – could have gone to the Barcadia, but needed a night off.

Saturday – a very cold Winter League and the accompanying funanigans.

Sunday – Recovery

Vital Stats

• 0 – games won this week. Very disappointing since we had finally crawled back to .500 – very Stars-like.
• 1 – upwind points given up in our second game. Unfortunately we gave it up during hard cap.
• 2 Million – number of downloads of the Adam Carolla Podcast making it the #1 podcast on iTunes. So suck it This American Life.
• 8.5 – Pounds Zoë weighed at the Vet.

So Where Do We Go From Here?

As mentioned in a comment about the vulture, I am considering shutting this blog down. It has served it's purpose and much of the content here can be moved over to Facebook. But this has been met with protestations from those that I've mentioned this to.

But I am reconsidering.

But much of my angst about continuing is that this blog is only read by JT and Glenn since they are the only ones that regularly comment. Comments are the only way I have to know that this is being read and enjoyed.

So, over the next month I will continue on with the blog as before. With Winter League over I should have more time on the weekends to blog.

But I need feedback.

Please take the time to post a comment here or there. It doesn't have to be every post or even every day. I just need to gauge who all is reading and if it's worth continuing

Thank you all for you readerage.

Douchebag Warning

The National Weather Service has issued a douchebag warning for the lower Greenville area after two douchebags in knit caps were seen walking along Greenville avenue. With temperatures in the upper 70s, bright clear skies and little wind, the need for a knit cap would seem minimal except to a douchebag who has copped his look from early 00s LA douchbags.

Residents of Lower Greenville should take appropriate precautions for this Category 3 Warning as one of the douchebags was seen carrying/playing a mandolin while walking.

Adorable King Vulture Picture of the Day

Yeah, I got nuttin'.