Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Top Five Most Annoying People in the World

5) Backwards Parker – You’re driving behind someone in a parking lot when all of a sudden their backup lights go one and you have to slam on the breaks.  They then spend the next 90 minutes backing into a parking spot and you can’t maneuver around them.  Essentially, the backwards parker is simultaneously telling you “Fuck You” by wasting your time and “Look at me, I can park backwards.”  Hey, asshat, this saves no time and wastes mine.

4) One or Two item Central Market Grocery Cart User – Specifically I mean the mini carts at Central Market.  I swear to sweet clean baby jebus that one day somebody is going to sever both of my Achilles tendons with one of these carts.   You’ve got only a few items, use a hand cart.  The aisles are too narrow for all these mostly empty carts.

3) Perpendicular Elevator Riders – It is the generally accepted practice that, when riding in an elevator, everyone should face towards the doors.  But more and more I’m confronted with the person that stands facing perpendicular to this direction.  So, instead of facing the door, which eliminates any kind of eye contact whatsoever, he/she faces a wall.  So, not only is eye contact a possibility, but awkward chit-chat is an eventuality.  Please, people, just face the door and pretend there is no one else on the elevator.

2) Phrase Turning Blogger – This is self evident.

1) Fergie – Not only is she a part of the most annoying musical act in the history of sound, but thanks to my devotion to the Texas Rangers and the Maverick’s eminent playoff collapse, I have been bombarded with her Cherry Dr Pepper guzzling during each commercial break. And if this is the female form the prevailing zeitgeist requires me to be attracted to, then let the cock chugging begin.

 

As always, if you are in any of these groups, I don’t mean you, of course.  Unless you’re Fergie.  In which case, please kill yourself.

2 comments:

jtingermany said...

I'm 2 of these -- phrase turning blogger (or so I choose to believe) and backwards parker. So, blow me.

Hooray for the return of TSoS! I am also impressed by the original humor. Huzzah!

Steve said...

Thank you. Stay tuned for my live blogging of the royal wedding.