Fuck You AT&T

In case you’ve wondered where my daily Walkabout post-trip blogging has gone (yes that’s a confusing sentence), it all started a long time ago in an AT&T store far far away (if 75 and Park is far far away).

My iPhone 3gs had gone tits up (#firstworldpain) so I had to go buy a new one.  In doing so I was coaxed into signing up for Uverse with promises of free HBO, Showtime, hot and cold running angel tears, and eternal contentment.  So, it was essentially the ‘08 Obama campaign all over again, and I bought every word.

Since I would be out of town for much of the following month, I opted to have my Uverse install performed when I got back from Germany. So, this past Tuesday a technician came out but couldn’t get a strong enough signal.  He couldn’t get it to work and would send another technician in the afternoon.  Smash-cut to three technicians and an apprentice later and I’m told that they have done everything they could do, but there is no way for the Uverse modem to synch, the signal just isn’t strong enough.

“OK”, I said, “But I’m going to need my DSL turned back on.”  (With all the dicking around with lines and boxes and wires and whatnot [emphasis on the whatnot], I had lost my DSL.)

“Sure thing.  Give me 30 minutes and I’ll have your DSL up and running.”, the technician replied.

After about a two hour wait, I called AT&T.

Let me now ask the people of AT&T and any other phone support system, if the robot that answers my call knows my phone number why the fuck does the actual human that finally takes my call ask me for my phone number???  At this point I’m not in any condition to be polite and when asked for my phone number I began to get chippy.

“Don’t you already know my number.  The robot that answered the call knew my number.  Why are you asking this.  It just doesn’t seem efficient.  I was on hold for quite a while.  Maybe if you skipped this step you could service more customers more quickly.”

The unamused “Customer Support Representative” relied, “Sorry for any inconvenience, but I’m still going to need your number.

After retelling my story of Uverse angst, the “CSR” assured me that someone would be out that afternoon to turn on my DSL.  I made the mistake of believing him and went about the rest of my day.  The next day I performed the same drama and by the end of the day still had no DSL or any phone call telling me what’s going on.

Mysteriously, I got a phone call from AT&T on Saturday telling me that they would be unable to install Uverse (DUH!) and did I have any more questions.  I offered up that I still needed my DSL turned back on.  A bit confused, the AT&T representative apologized and assured me that she would have someone look into it.  I didn’t believe her but gave her a “Thank you.” anyways.

And now we get to “My Sunday on the Phone with AT&T” or “The Hour I Will Never Get Back”.

Since this entry is closing in on the record for my longest blog post, I’ll skip my first two calls to AT&T and subsequent hang-ups while being transferred to 2nd level support.

Finally I called and go to DSL support directly.  After explaining my problem, the DSL tech tried some things to get it to start working but failed.  She then finally relented and agreed that a service technician would be sent out.  She then had the balls to tell me that “if the problem was with the line inside my house I would be charged $115 for the repair.”

That’s when I lost it the first time.

“You will not charge me anything.  I did not screw this up.  You guys screwed this up.  Please make a note on my ticket that I will not be charged for this.  My DSL has worked perfectly for the seven years I’ve lived in my house.  If there is a problem, you guys did it.”  I so wanted to say “Fucked” but I was trying to keep a tiny bit of civility.

After consulting with a manager, she relented and said I would not be charged for any line repair.  She then informed me that she could have technician out to my house between 8am and 8pm tomorrow.

That’s when I lost it a second time.

“No.  We’re not doing this again.  I’ve wasted a whole week with you guys.  You are [fucking] AT&T you can do whatever [the fuck] you want.  You’re one of the largest companies in world.  I know this because you’ve been [ass raping] for a week now over this.  If you wanted to send a technician to my house in three minutes you could.  So, give me a specific time.  Either first thing in the morning or first thing after lunch.”  Parenthetical cussing was all in my head.

After much such arguing, I finally got her manager to relent and say she would at least try to get me a technician first thing after lunch.  I don’t believe her.  But, honestly, what threats did I have left?

So here I am writing this blog entry, watching the Cowboy game on a rogue Japanese website through one of my neighbor’s open WiFi.  But as least I got to see a highlarryass Japanese ShamWOW commercial.