Sunday, March 14, 2010

Hey Asshat: Express Self Checkout Lane Edition

One quick trip to Krogers and I witnessed all three of the primal rules of self checkout violated.  If we could all obey these three simple rules, then we will be one step closer to the utopia we all deserve.

  1. It’s not for your fucking weekly grocery shopping – When choosing a checkout lane, keep in mind the Express means to do something quickly.  You cannot quickly checkout you entire cart full of Vienna sausages, creamed corn and Eggo Waffles.  Take your cart to an aisle with a properly trained checkout cashier.
  2. Don’t use cash – Let me remind you once again that Express is right there in the name of the lane.  Using cash slows down the process.  Plus, the machine is not going to take your wadded up, glitter covered ones from the night before.
  3. Know what the fuck you’re doing – If you don’t know what you’re doing and it takes ten times the time to check out your flowers, then why did you get in the express lane to begin with?? It certainly was not to get out of the store quickly and home to your lovely wife for whom I assume the flowers are for.  I must then assume that your reason for using the Express lane was to slow my progress home.  How dare you sir.  I said good day.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Eating Dallas: Five Sixty

Synopsis

Five Sixty is celebrity chef Wolfgang Puck’s 360° rotating Asian-fusion restaurant high atop Dallas’ iconic Reunion Tower.  Certainly when I think Asian food, the go-to guy is going to be an Austrian pizza thrower. 

The Food

Yes, that was just a cheap shot because the food was amazingly amazing*. (I picked up that bit of wordsmithery from watching way too much Olympic curling).

Appetizers


In retrospect we may have peaked early with the lobster and scallop shumai and the tiny crab cakes.  After each bite I would affirm that the one in my mouth was the best thing I’ve ever eaten.  I repeated my hyperbole until both plates were sadly empty.  If Nazis held me at gunpoint and forced me to chose my favorite, I would probably spend the rest of my life tormented by the image of the crab cakes being marched into a death camp**. 

Entrées


It’s doubtful that I will be able to come up with some Holocaust metaphor to describe my experience with the entrées.  But I will certainly try.

The Green Thai Curry Seafood Medley was very good, very green and very medley with its prawns and scallops and sea basses.  But I can’t honestly characterize it as being 560 feet better than what I could get at Bangkok Inn, just down the street from The Wallagio.

The Wok Fried Whole Sea Bass on the other hand, was fantastic in every way.  As stated, it’s a whole sea bass and it’s spectacularly rolled out frozen in wok fried crispy awesomeness.  The waiter then gently removes the tasty flesh from each side of the beast and then rips the spinal column out to complete the task.  I was then presented with a huge plate of both salty/crispy skin and soft, moist, delicate inner meat.  It was accompanied by a near flavorless ginger ponzu sauce and thai chili sauce for which I had to request extra ramekins.

Dessert


I'm not a fan at all of soufflés. They just tend to be way too eggy for my tastes.  But I was feeling adventurous and decided to order their chocolate soufflé.  I’m sorry.  I mean their Valhrona Chocolate Soufflé.  And I am now of the belief that if you inundate a soufflé with enough fine chocolate, you can achieve something that doesn’t taste like Bosco on a hardboiled egg.  Indeed, this soufflé was quite delicate and delicious. 

What I Liked
  • The food – it’s great!
What I Disliked
  • This is not exactly my kind of place.   And that’s more about me than them.  The place was hopping, largely with generic white businessmen on expense accounts and Dallas Douchers trying to impress their recently enhanced Douchettes.
  • No olives in my martini.  How does that even happen especially when I was asked if I wanted olives or a twist?
  • The view would be good in almost any other city but Dallas.  There are just so many times I can look down at Lew Sterrett.

Conclusion
Despite the atmosphere this is a very good special occasion destination restaurant where great food will be consumed.

A-


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*Essentially a joke for someone who may not even read this.

**Who doesn’t love a good Sophie’s Choice reference in a restaurant review?

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