Amazon Instant Video Review: The Dictator

	Ahhh, America.  The best place of AIDS
Synopsis	Sasha Baron Cohen takes a break from Olympic Figure Skating and returns to her roots of portraying offensive third world stereotypes.  This time, a thinly disguised Saddam Hussein is lost in Brooklyn and falls in love with a pixified Anna Ferris.
What I Liked	Inexplicable Gary Shandling cameo Inexplicable J. B. Smoove cameo. The ending rant about the flaws of democracy. The last funny movie I’ve seen in a theater was Borat.  This is no Borat.  Not even close.
What Sucked	Sasha Baron Cohen’s wife, Isla Fisher does not appear in this film. And also everything else
Quotes	We are a Vegan Feminist non-profit cooperative operating within a anti-racist anti-oppressive framework for people of all or no genders. I took a feminist clown workshop once.  Help I’m trapped under a glass ceiling. My Great Grandfather fought in the American Civil Jihad. Wait!  What sorcery is this?? Menstruate with Pride! Warning!  Shoplifters will be waterboarded. When the thought of someone’s decapitated head upsets you.  That is love. You two make a really cute couple together.  But maybe you can finish doing this when you’re not elbow deep in my pussy. I’ll shave my armpits for you.
Conclusion	two breasts zero beasts Academy Award nomination for Jason Mantzoukas for his role as Rafi on The League, thus making his appearance in this film non-career destroying.
C-	King Wally says check it out.

Feel free to check it out for yourself through my Amazon connections.

2011 in Reivew: Top Five Movies

Seriously??  Do you even read this blog?  I don’t go to movies. They are terrible.  There’s only been a handful of good movies made since Fargo.  So I don’t waste my time with them anymore. And I would advise you to do the same.

The Interwebs Makes Me Giggle

I predict this video will be to movies what Angry Hitler is to all other disappointments.

Yeah, it’s almost a month old.  But I’ve been busy.

Facebookers will have to live out their pitiful existence with the funny.

Blu-Ray Review: The Road

	“Will this movie ever end?” -- Me
Synopsis	It’s the end of the world, as we  know it.  Please put a bullet in my head. More accurately, Aragorn and the boy he had with Liv Tyler who now looks like Charlize Theron travel south through a dystopian America to a beach avoiding cannibals and suicidal depression along the way.
What I Liked	Omar Little showing up, presumably near Baltimore. If gray depressing landscapes can be beautifully shot, then this is a beautifully shot movie.  I highly recommend the blu-ray upgrade for this film.
What I Disliked	This is easily the most depressing movie ever in the history of ever. I’m not a fan of cannibals
The Numbers	No breasts Multiple beasts (cannibals) Cannibal-fu Dystopia-fu Academy Award nomination to me for sitting through this entire movie.
Conclusion	I sat through two and a half hours of abject depression expecting some kind of payoff.  There was none.   I understand that a movie does not have to be “entertaining” per se.  But what was the point of this?  Every other creature, plant and animal was dead.   There was absolutely nothing to live for.  So why keep on going?  If that was the point of the movie then answer the question – why keep on going? C-  King Wally says check it out if you can watch it while receiving a Prozac drip.

Blu-Ray Review: Extract

That was a surprisingly tasteful funeral.

Synopsis	Extract is the latest Mike Judge film that virtually no one saw in the theatres but will likely become a cult classic.  He returns to the mundacity of “office life” by following the lives of some warehouse/assembly line workers of a flavor extract company. Wow.  Except for the made-up word, that almost sounded like it was from a real review. Hilarity ensues when a grifter, the very adorable, hot and underrated Mila Kunis, joins the company in order to con a recently injured worker out of his workman’s comp settlement. There’s also a whacky B-plot about factory owner Jason Bateman arranging to have his asexual wife to have sex with a stranger so that he can have sex with Mila Kunis.
What I Liked	Kristen Wiig – duh. Mila Kunis – double duh.
What I Disliked	Heineken product placement.
Conclusion	Judge cheerypicks from the casts of many of the great comedies of the 2000s – Juno [Jason Bateman, J. K. Simmons] Forgetting Sarah Marshall [Mila Kunis, Kristen Wiig], Drillbit Taylor [David Koechner].  One has to wonder where Seth Rogin was. But in the end, I could only describe this film as pleasant.  It wants to be something but never really achieves anything.  The best part is Kristen Wiig telling off her neighbor who then inexplicably dies. It’s doubtful this will become a cultural touchstone like Judge’s other films.

• 0 Breasts
• 0 Beasts
• Machine Equipment to the Crotch-fu
• Academy Award Nomination for Mila Kunis’ shirt for barely holding in those delicate scoops of lovely.

B-

King Wally says check it out

Top 10 of the 2000s: Movies

I reserve the right to make changes to this list since there are a handful of movie from 2009 that I have yet to see that could potentially make the list.  The list won’t have the usual suspects that you will see on other decade’s end lists.  My list represents movies I liked and meant something to me. 

Oh, and if you don’t have any of these movies, and would like to buy one or two or ten, please follow the link to Amazon so I can buy kibble for Alex and Zoë.
Or maybe you would like some nice shoes or a handbag.

Just sayin.
On with the list….

10. The Hammer – Come on.  I had to put this on my list.  It’s Adam Carolla’s semi-autobiographical movie about a 40 year old carpenter/boxing instructor making a run at the Olympics.

9. Ghost World – An unknown Scarlett Johansson, a nerdy, grown up Thora Birch and an even more nerdy Steve Buscemi.  What else do you need??

8. Idiocracy – Not as funny as it could have been, but very prophetic.  It’s not going to take 500 years to get to the Idiocracy.  It’s already here.

7. Stepbrothers – Maybe just about the funniest movie of 2000s.  There may have been better comedies, but this one had the most yuck yucks.

6. District 9 – Yeah, I know.  I just watched it.  How can I rate it so high?  Admittedly, I may wonder what I was thinking when I do my retrospective in 2015.  But it really is an interesting movie.

5. Borat – My favorite of the Sacha Baron Cohen characters.  Yeah, I lot of the bits are obviously contrived.  And this could have been a funnier movie.  But there’s a lot of good stuff here. 

4. No Country for Old Men – I couldn’t put a Movie list together that did not contain a Coen Brothers movie.  This was their best of this decade.  But I’m not sure it’s as good of a movie as Fargo or Raising Arizona.

3. Lord of the Rings: Return of the King – I had to give The Lord of the Rings some love.  It took me a while to get on board with The Rings, but once I finally gave in to the hype and watched them, I loved them.  I still think the books are a colossal bore, though.

2. Sideways – Yeah, this is where the list starts to get a bit personal and maybe a bit weird.  I can’t explain it, but this movie really connected with me.  The first twenty minutes aren’t that strong.  And it could be that if I watched it right now I might think differently.  But for much of the oughts, this was my favorite movie.

1. Stranger Than Fiction – Will Ferrell’s best movie ever.  Also Queen Latifah’s best movie ever.  Another personal choice, thus I can’t explain why it on my list or why it’s so high.

Blu-Ray Review: District 9

I would describe District 9 as The Office meets Reno: 911 meets Alien Nation meets The Fly meets Watermelon Man (look it up).  In fact, that’s pretty much the progression of the movie as well.

Wikus Van De Merwe is a semi-competent beaurocrat tasked with overseeing the transfer of aliens from their shacks in District 9 to spanking new tents in a new tent city camp.  It is here that action plays out very much like Reno: 911.  I was very surprised at how funny much of the first third of the movie was.  That was until Wikus becomes infected with mysterious alien liquid that begins to turn him into one of the aliens – aka a Prawn.

He eventually befriends a Prawn, Christopher, whom he had earlier tried to evict.  Christopher claims to be able to help Wikus and much explosions and flying body parts ensue.

I have to admit something here that I’ve admitted before.  It’s a lot more fun to slam something terrible than it is to praise something wonderful.  And this is one of those times where I’m coming up with clever and humorous things to say about a movie I liked.  So, I’m just going to have to rely on some banal and unimaginative phraseology.

District 9 was really really good.

That’s two “really”s so I must have liked it a bunch.  Good Christ, I’m a fuckin’ wordsmith.

I guess I should give you some reasons it’s such an awesome movie.  It is a satirical science fiction movie with a great sense of humor and acerbic social commentary about xenophobia.  The special effects are amazing -- specifically the rendering of the Prawns -- but used only when and where the story requires them.  Are you reading this George Lucas?

• 0 breasts
• thousands of beasts
• prawn-fu
• Nigerian gangster-fu
• Academy Award nomination for Peter Jackson for all the weight he’s lost since Lord of the Rings. Seriously, have you seen this guy recently.  It doesn’t look like the same dude.  Did he get a thumb stomach??

A
King Wally says check it out.

Movie Review : Transformers 2 - Rise of My Lunch from Earlier in the Day

One of the good things about not having a job is that when some suggests going to see a movie at 11:30 at night, there is little reason to say no. Add to that the fact that my house's central air conditioning needs some valuable HVAC attention and an 11:30 at night movie sounds down right appealing.

Well, unless that movie is Transformers 2: The Rise of Expositional Dialog.

I've seen a lot of bad movies lately. It happens when you're locked in an airplane over the Atlantic. Your crap threshold moves precipitously downwards at 33,000 feet. So the only nice thing I can say about Transformers 2: The Rise of Lowered Expectations is that it's slightly better than Paul Blart Mall Cop and at least twice as funny.

I admit that I did not see the first Transformers movie in its entirety. So some of the more subtle motifs and themes may be lost on me.

But this movie forces us to make some wild leaps away from reality and common sense I just was unable to make. No, not that there are have been alien robots visiting our planet for eons during their epic struggle for galactic supremacy. No, it's that a smoking hot Megan Fox would even give a dweebing looking Shia Labeof the time of day much less be in love with him. Oh, AND she's an expert auto-mechanic!?!?! Really!?!?!

I would love to tell you what this movie is about. But it's not really about anything. It's essentially 1) Robot fight 2) Megan Fox looks sexy/takes off shirt 3) Robot exposition to move the plot 4) Repeat

And when the robots aren't kicking the shit out of each other T2: The Rise of the Cheese Souffle treats us to a glimpse of college life that only exists in movies.

• Even though the campus is bustling with activity from everyone moving in, Shia's parents are able to park right in front of his dorm.
• It's the middle of the afternoon and people, like I said, are moving into their dorm rooms, but there is always a large contingent of coeds that need to prance down the hall wearing nothing but a towel, but in full makeup. That's just how badly they need a shower.
• Shia's Astronomy 101 is not only taught by an eccentric, quirky Proffessor (Rainn Wilson). But the front row of the class is full of hot chicks in short skirts. Really???? Cause most of the 101 classes I took were taught by disinterested grad students. And the hot chicks were only in the business building. They weren't taking to many high science classes. And why was Einstein's E=MC2 formula on the chalk board? This is an astronomy class not a quantum physics class.
  

Oh, and Orion is a winter constellation. You can't see it in early September which is when this movie takes place since you just established that Shia is just entering college.

But besides all that, it's a great movie.

Actually it isn't. It's a pile something the cat threw up. (Thanks Norm).

• Robot-fu
• Tongue-fu
• Academy Award Nomination to Director Michael Bay for making blowing up most of the planet so pedestrian.
  

D-

King Wally says "feh".

Movie Monday: Star Trek

As many of you may have surmised by now, I'm a bit of what they call a nerd. I might not have turned out that way had I not discovered Star Trek in the Fourth Grade. Much of the ensuing years were spent watching each episode over and over and reading any book that came out about Star Trek -- not the fictional books, but the ones about the show. I was giddy like a school girl when each movie came out.

So I came to this Star Trek with excitement. Star Trek + JJ Abrams to me sounded like a no -miss deal. The reviews were all stellar (ha, get it?). This was gonna be great!

Well, it wasn't. At least it wasn't to me.

Maybe my brain is still fried from a JJ Abram's other time travel vehicle -- Lost. But I just didn't get into this movie.

Everything was there. All the characters, lots of big action scenes.

And let me be clear, I'm not one of those Trekkies that's offended by this movie, or sad there were no Klingons.

I just didn't think it was that great.

There were just all these little things that bothered me: [Spoilers Follow]

• So, old Spock just happened to be right by where Kirk was abandoned. How convenient.
• What did Future Romulans do for 25 years? How was the crew paid during those 25 years? What do I have to do to get a band of henchmen?
• What was up with JJ's hand held camera that kept getting (intentional, I'm sure) lens flare from all the bridge lights that were pointed at the camera?
• Kirk goes from a cadet on Academic Probation to Captain of Starfleet's shiniest, newest Starship? Really?
• What the hell happened to Winona Ryder??
  

So, to sum up:

• 0 breasts
• numerous beasts
• Romulan-Fu
• Giant Ice Creature - Fu

Academy Award nomination for Michael Giacchino for his amazing score for both this movie and Lost. While watching a particularly emotional scene I couldn't help be be impressed with his ability to wring out every drop of emotion with his music. I wonder if Lost would be half as popular with an average musician.


B-

King Wally says check it out.

Blu-Ray Review: Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist

You guys were pretty good except you were two penises shy of Shania Twain re-imagination band.
--Nick O’Leary

As someone who has no heart and believes the concept of love is a mythological creature like the Yeti or the female orgasm, it may be difficult to review a movie whose central motifs consist of heartbreak and the notion of a soul mate. But because I’m such a fan of the two stars – Michael Cera will always have a place on my Greatness Mantle for his role as George Michael Bluth and Kat Dennings had me rewinding my DVD until I wore it out to grasp the magnificence of her sweater hams in 40 Year Old Virgin – I’ll give it a try.

So here goes.

Of course I liked it. Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist is a very sweet love/all-night adventure story with two very likeable, funny characters. In fact, my only complaint about the movie is that when Nick & Norah are not together, the movie bogs down. Cera and Dennings have great chemistry together.

There are not a lot of big belly laughs. But there are a lot of good lines. Think Juno only not stuck up in its own ass as much and more likeable characters.

• 0 breasts
• 2 beasts
• Vomit-fu
• Indie-Rock-fu

Academy Award nomination for Michael Cera for being brilliant in everything he does.

Academey Award nomination for Ari Graynor for the best drunk girl I’ve seen since Martinipalooza.

A-

King Wally says check it out.

Movie Review: Sunshine

My next stop at Mockinbird Station, was the Angelika to see Sunshine. This is a movie I wanted to see at the beginning of The Summer of Steve but it fell through the cracks of my life when I went to Jersey and came back and was sick for two weeks. So, while looking for where The King of Kong was showing (to be reviewed Friday) I was delighted to see that Sunshine was still showing.

Sunshine tries to be a better, smarter Armageddon or The Core. Basic plot -- a group of scientists/astronauts race to save the world as they get picked off one by one. In Sunshine, the sun is dimming and our group of heroes must race to the sun and deliver a package that will jump start it.

One of the nice things about Sunshine is that it starts in mid story. One expedition has already been sent, and failed. And we pick up this second expedition midway to the sun. And then we get little moments of the characters' lives as they plummet to sun to their likely demise.

Then, as they're whipping around Mercury, they find the first expedition and decide to go to it. Of course this causes bad things to happen and people start dying. Up to this point the movie was smart and interestingly played with the concepts of long voyage isolation. The plot is largely grounded in science. And then, inexplicably, the movie turns into an Alien-like monster movie. I guess the writers couldn't think of a better way to add drama to the last act. Will our heroes jump start the sun?? Well, we can't just have them do it. We need something for them to overcome. I know! A monster!

While the scenes of the sun are beautiful, I would not describe this as an FX extravaganza. The effects are seemless and, for the most part don't jump up and down out you like some movies about stars and wars.

I really wanted to like this movie and was until about the last 30 minutes.

• 0 breast
• 1 beast
• explosive decompression fu
• drill to the sternum fu

King Wally says check it out.

B for the first 90 minutes.

D for the last 30.

Movie Review: Superbad

No one has gotten a handjob wearing cargo shorts since Nam.

Hey. How's this for a opening line to a movie review? "Superbad was SUPER GOOD!!!!" hahahahahahahahaha. Thanks Norm.

This is truly the funniest movie I've seen in many years -- funnier than Borat or 40 Year Old Virgin. I'm not sure if you, my gentle readers, are aware of this, but I'm a bit of what they call a nerd. So maybe there is a great deal of relating to the material going on here. But this is a genuinely sweet and highlarryasslee funny teen movie the likes of which we haven't seen since Fast Times.

There's really not much more to say except "Stop reading this blog and go see this fucking movie. NOW!!!!"

• 2 breasts
• countless sketches of penises
• 1 drunken hobo
• 1 visiting Aunt Flo
• drunken fu
• police car fu

Academy award nomination for best conjugation of the word fellatio.

King Wally says check it out.

A+

Netflix Review: Who's Your Daddy (2003)

OK. This was just terrible. I'm a bit embarrassed that I watched it. I was really hung over and had nothing else to watch. Honest!

This movie so wants to be American Pie. It couldn't get Eugene Levy, so it got Dave Thomas (not the Wendy's guy, who's dead) another SCTV alumnus.

This is the farcical tale of an adopted Ohio high school boy who finds out that his real parents have died and were the biggest smut peddlers of all the land. And he is now in charge of the smut empire, but his evil uncle is out to get him.

First off, if this is going to be a about porn, COULD WE HAVE SOME FUCKING NUDITY!!!!!!! Is that too much to ask??? Really?? We couldn't get half of Ali Landry's nipple??

• 4 breasts
• nerdy hot chick
• porn-mag-fu
• high-school-bully-fu

A horrible movie that only should be viewed if you cannot move off of the couch.

King Wally reluctantly says check it out.

D-

Retro Review: Rad (1986)

The Artist Formerly Known as the Jester has commissioned me to review movies that came out way back when he thought fingerbanging was what you did when you played cops & robbers. His first request is RAD!. And I agreed to review this movie for two reasons. 1) It came out in 1986. This is not only the year I was supposed to graduate from college, but it was also the veritable center of my cultural universe. 2) It stars Lori Laughlin. Oh how I loved her in the 80s. She was the poor man's Phoebe Cates, but would never got naked, to my knowledge. The apex of her cinematic career came one year before in the motion picture classic Secret Admirer.
Rad is your typical 80s teen comedy where the male protagonist must win some competition to win not just the big prize but also the girl (Lori Laughlin, Daphne Zuniga, Diane Franklin et. al.). The antagonist is played by a Van Patten or a Van Patten wannabe. It brings me great joy that a guy like John Cussak is a respected Golden Globe nominated actor while Vince Van Patten does poker play-by-play on deep cable. Even in reality the good guy wins. And, yes, I know I'm probably getting my 80s movies and Van Pattens mixed up. That's what happens when you blog with a box of wine.

First off, how have I never seen this movie before??? I've seen Secret Admirer, The Sure Thing, Better Off Dead, The Last American Virgin and Just One of the Guys at least a 1000 times each thanks to cable and a college career I never took seriously. Rad falls in their category, but I've never seen it. Clearly I wasted my stay at A&M.

The very generically named Bill Allen (was 24 looked 30) plays Cru Jones who has the desire and intensity to win a BMX race called HellTrack. But that’s not what this movie is about. It’s about teen suburban angst, BMX racing montages with fake Kenny Loggins music and Lori Laughlin. And it delivers!!

So, what do we have?

• 0 Breasts
• 1 Lori Laughlin crotch grab
• Preteen cussing
• BMX-fu

It can be seen here. I couldn’t find it on Netflix.

C-

It's a terrible movie, but it has Lori Laughlin.

King Wally says check it out.

Movie Review: The Simpsons Movie (D'oh!!)

With Matt & Heather's wedding taking up the bulk of last weekend, I had to wait until today to go see The Simpsons Movie. I might have wanted to wait a little longer. You see, not once, but twice during the showing at the theater by the Micros Center on 75, the power went out due to thunderstorms. The final time, we were alerted that it may be several hours before power was restored. So, despite the chalkboard gag's admonishment, I may be downloading the movie to watch the rest.
UPDATE
The theater gave out vouchers, so I finally got to see the final few minutes of the movie. And, like they've been doing for two decades, The Simpsons deliver. But, as is the way of The Simpsons, there are few belly laughs -- merely a cavalcade of titters, smirks and snortgles. I did snort-laugh once, though. The story dragged a little in parts and there was not nearly enough of Mr. Burns. But besides that this is a finely crafted animated movie in every aspect of the medium. The animation is stunning especially compared to the early days. And the story is more than just an episode stretched to 90 minutes.

So - 0 breasts, 1 penis, excessive pig excrement, mouse-fu, huskey-fu

King Wally says check it out.

A