Blu-Ray Review: The Road

	“Will this movie ever end?” -- Me
Synopsis	It’s the end of the world, as we  know it.  Please put a bullet in my head. More accurately, Aragorn and the boy he had with Liv Tyler who now looks like Charlize Theron travel south through a dystopian America to a beach avoiding cannibals and suicidal depression along the way.
What I Liked	Omar Little showing up, presumably near Baltimore. If gray depressing landscapes can be beautifully shot, then this is a beautifully shot movie.  I highly recommend the blu-ray upgrade for this film.
What I Disliked	This is easily the most depressing movie ever in the history of ever. I’m not a fan of cannibals
The Numbers	No breasts Multiple beasts (cannibals) Cannibal-fu Dystopia-fu Academy Award nomination to me for sitting through this entire movie.
Conclusion	I sat through two and a half hours of abject depression expecting some kind of payoff.  There was none.   I understand that a movie does not have to be “entertaining” per se.  But what was the point of this?  Every other creature, plant and animal was dead.   There was absolutely nothing to live for.  So why keep on going?  If that was the point of the movie then answer the question – why keep on going? C-  King Wally says check it out if you can watch it while receiving a Prozac drip.

Blu-Ray Review: Terminator Salvation

 

I’ll be back.

Synopsis	A death row inmate from the past is resurrected in the future as an infiltrating terminator.  But his humanity ultimately saves the day.  Oh, and lots of shit blows up good.
What I Liked	CGI Arnold:  Maybe they should make one to replace the California governor.
What I Disliked	Cancer:  The movie starts with a death row inmate, moments away from execution, chatting with a cancer ravaged Helena Bonham Carter.  I guess it’s important we see she’s got the big C so that later, when we see her in the future, we’re blown out of our seats.  And the only reason she’s in the movie at all is so that she can provide.. Exposition:  The movie stops down near the climatic final battle so that HBC can explain to one of our heroes and the popcorn munching hoopleheads in the theater what’s going on and why it’s going on. Helena Bonham Carter:  Seriously, has she ever been in a good movie?  And don’t give me any of that Merchant Ivory/Shakespeare bullshit. Endless action sequences where technologically superior robots are defeated by our heroes.
Conclusion	It’s movies like this that make me want to fly to LA and kick Hollywood in the nutz.  Tedious CGIed up action sequence are strung together by a gossamer like plot.

• 1 breast
• dozens of mechanical beasts
• robot-fu
• redneck-fu

D

King Wally says “meh”

Blu-Ray Review: Adventureland

No one ever wins a giant-ass panda.

Synopsis	Summer in 1987 Pittsburg never looked so much fun. After a family financial crisis, James (Jesse Eisenberg of Zombieland) must get a job at Adventureland where he meets Em, a pre-Twilight Kristen Stewart.  Hilarity and heartache ensue.
What I Liked	Two words:  Husker Du.  Early on, Em pops a tape in her car and it plays my favorite Du song, Don’t Want to Know If You Are Lonely.  The music over all is very good, focusing mostly on the emerging alt-rock of the mid to late 80s while mocking the MTV songs most 80s nostalgia movies wallow in. Kristen Stewart – she’s real nice to look at. 80’s Nostalgia – I’m not gonna lie to you, I love the 80s.  Of all the decades I’ve experienced, it’s my favorite of the 20th Century. Evoking the motifs of the great 80’s teen movies, particularly The Last American Virgin, The Sure Thing and Secret Admirer.
What I Disliked	Kristen Stewart – I’m not convinced she’s a very good actress.  Her emotional range seems to span having just awakened from a long sleep and having just awaked from a nap.   I also couldn’t quite figure out why her character behaved in the destructive manner she did. Bill Hader and Kristen Wiig – These are my two favorite performers on the current cast of SNL.  But for some reason they have to be in every “funny” movie these days.  And every time they show up on the screen I’m immediately taken out the 1987 moment.   Also, they’re just not that funny in this movie.  Although Wiig did deliver my only laugh-out-loud of the film. Ryan Reynolds – why is he in this movie.  Why is he in any movie? Jesse Eisenberg – Nothing against this guy, he does a good job at what he does, but it’s obvious in the two movies I’ve seen of his that the following sentence was spoken in pre-production. “Michael Cera is unavailable at this time”.
Conclusion	An essential element of a teen comedy is that it be funny.  I mean it’s right there in the name of the genre.  In fact, it’s half of the genre’s name.  And while I found myself enjoying the movie, there just weren’t that many laughs.

• 0 breasts
• 0 beasts
• Scrotum-fu
• x-fu
• Acacademy award nomination to Kristin Stewart’s ridged white wife beater tshirt.

A very generous and nostalgic B-

King Wally says check it out

Blu-Ray Review: Extract

That was a surprisingly tasteful funeral.

Synopsis	Extract is the latest Mike Judge film that virtually no one saw in the theatres but will likely become a cult classic.  He returns to the mundacity of “office life” by following the lives of some warehouse/assembly line workers of a flavor extract company. Wow.  Except for the made-up word, that almost sounded like it was from a real review. Hilarity ensues when a grifter, the very adorable, hot and underrated Mila Kunis, joins the company in order to con a recently injured worker out of his workman’s comp settlement. There’s also a whacky B-plot about factory owner Jason Bateman arranging to have his asexual wife to have sex with a stranger so that he can have sex with Mila Kunis.
What I Liked	Kristen Wiig – duh. Mila Kunis – double duh.
What I Disliked	Heineken product placement.
Conclusion	Judge cheerypicks from the casts of many of the great comedies of the 2000s – Juno [Jason Bateman, J. K. Simmons] Forgetting Sarah Marshall [Mila Kunis, Kristen Wiig], Drillbit Taylor [David Koechner].  One has to wonder where Seth Rogin was. But in the end, I could only describe this film as pleasant.  It wants to be something but never really achieves anything.  The best part is Kristen Wiig telling off her neighbor who then inexplicably dies. It’s doubtful this will become a cultural touchstone like Judge’s other films.

• 0 Breasts
• 0 Beasts
• Machine Equipment to the Crotch-fu
• Academy Award Nomination for Mila Kunis’ shirt for barely holding in those delicate scoops of lovely.

B-

King Wally says check it out

Blu-Ray Review: District 9

I would describe District 9 as The Office meets Reno: 911 meets Alien Nation meets The Fly meets Watermelon Man (look it up).  In fact, that’s pretty much the progression of the movie as well.

Wikus Van De Merwe is a semi-competent beaurocrat tasked with overseeing the transfer of aliens from their shacks in District 9 to spanking new tents in a new tent city camp.  It is here that action plays out very much like Reno: 911.  I was very surprised at how funny much of the first third of the movie was.  That was until Wikus becomes infected with mysterious alien liquid that begins to turn him into one of the aliens – aka a Prawn.

He eventually befriends a Prawn, Christopher, whom he had earlier tried to evict.  Christopher claims to be able to help Wikus and much explosions and flying body parts ensue.

I have to admit something here that I’ve admitted before.  It’s a lot more fun to slam something terrible than it is to praise something wonderful.  And this is one of those times where I’m coming up with clever and humorous things to say about a movie I liked.  So, I’m just going to have to rely on some banal and unimaginative phraseology.

District 9 was really really good.

That’s two “really”s so I must have liked it a bunch.  Good Christ, I’m a fuckin’ wordsmith.

I guess I should give you some reasons it’s such an awesome movie.  It is a satirical science fiction movie with a great sense of humor and acerbic social commentary about xenophobia.  The special effects are amazing -- specifically the rendering of the Prawns -- but used only when and where the story requires them.  Are you reading this George Lucas?

• 0 breasts
• thousands of beasts
• prawn-fu
• Nigerian gangster-fu
• Academy Award nomination for Peter Jackson for all the weight he’s lost since Lord of the Rings. Seriously, have you seen this guy recently.  It doesn’t look like the same dude.  Did he get a thumb stomach??

A
King Wally says check it out.

Blu-ray Review: Family Guy: Something Something Something Dark SIde.

A long time ago, when the gays weren’t all in your face about it….

Something Something Something Dark Side is Family Guy’s The Empire Strikes Back follow up to their Blue Harvest parody of Star Wars, Episode IV- A New Hope .  Did that sentence make any sense?  Well, continuing on right now.  For whatever reason Fox chose to make this direct to video rather than air it first as they did with Blue Harvest.
This is Family Guy at it’s best.  Since they have a defined plot (it is a parody of a well known movie, after all) to follow there are very few of their signature (some say crutch) cutaway jokes.  The funny is mostly kept to the plot.  But if you’re not a fan of the Star Wars movies, much of the jokes may go over your head.
I won’t give too much away, but some of the better moments were:

• Pointing out that that an officer in the underground Hoth bunker had a Purina logo on his uniform.  From the first time I saw Empire I was distracted by that logo.
• The sore leg gag done by an AT-AT.
  
• Meg’s Appearance
• Racialist Brian
• Han’s pose frozen in carbonite.
• Stormtroopers lamenting that they never seem to hit anything.

These Family Guy Star Wars parodies have done a masterful job of matching their characters to the Star Wars universe – Stewie as Darth Vader is brilliant.  But they dipped deep into the Family Guy dramatis personae to find their Yoda.  Who they came up with, Carl the Video Store Manager, barely made sense.
Other than that, this is a very nice Star Wars parody that, despite being in the Fox family, bares no punches at either Fox or Star Wars finest episode.
I do have to ask, why was this on Blu-ray?  It may have been marginally in HD but it was in standard 4:3 format.  However, as is mentioned in the commentary, many of the exquisitely re-enacted scenes are better rendered than the original 1980 versions.
And if you’re wonder where the name came from: (sorry Facebookers)

• 0 breasts
• Many beasts
• Yoda-fu
• Snowmonster-fu
• Meg-fu
• Academy Award Nomination for Seth McFarlane for officially being the most prolific TV animator since Hanna Barbera.  And their legacy is tarnished with the dreadful Magilla Gorilla and Grape Ape.

A  If you’re both a Family Guy and Star Wars fan
B If you’re either a Family Guy or Star wars fan
D If you’ve never seen either.

King Wally says check it out.

Blu-Ray Review: Zack and Miri Make a Porno

There’s no such thing as free titties.
-- Delaney


What the hell has happened to Kevin Smith. I can remember seeing Clerks for the first time and thinking it was one of the funniest, realist movies I had ever seen. Mallrats may have been a slight misstep in comparison, but it had its moments. And Chasing Amy was pure genius.

But things started going downhill with Dogma. I know a lot of people like this movie. But I it wasn’t very funny and was shocking just to be shocking. And Jay & Silent Bob was the movie making equivalent of autofellatio (that should get some web traffic). Not that we all wouldn’t do it if we could.

At this point I pretty much gave up on Kevin Smith. There was absolutely nothing to interest me in Jersey Girl and I figured Clerks II would just sully the memory of a once great movie.
But when Zack and Miri Make a Porno came out I remember thinking, “That looks like a good movie to get on Blu-Ray Netflix, because, hey, it’s got Porno right there in the title.”

So I did in fact receive Zack and Miri Make a Porno along with the similarly titled Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist. In the mood to see some titties, I figured I would go with Z&M first.

This was a big mistake.

I would like to announce that whatever Kevin Smith may have had in the early 90s is completely gone. With Zack & Miri Make a Porno, he has thrown up the white flag and decided his way is to copy the great Judd Apatow. Essentially he can’t think of anything funny, so he gets Seth Rogen and the little Indian dude from 40 Year Old Virgin and have him say “Suck cock”. Hilarity ensues.

This is a painfully unfunny movie that is not helped by Smith’s signature Dragnet-like dialog reading. In Clerks it added to the Indie feel of the movie. Now it just amplifies the amateurishness of the production and the unfunniness of the jokes. Comedy acting can’s sound like it’s being read directly from a script.

But the truly offensive part of this move is not its lack of funny but how it treats its subject matter. In these the late 00s, it’s just not this hard to make a porno. Anyone with a cell phone and a female friend with low self esteem can make a YouPorn clip. But this movie we need equipment, actors, sets and costumes. Costumes!?!??!?! It’s a fucking porno.

But more aggravatingly, every sex seen in the movie they make goes straight to intercourse. Has Kevin Smith never seen a porno? I doubt it! Where the fuck is the oral? And the star of the movie doesn’t even take off her top? Has there ever been a porno in which the lead actress does not take off her top?

I’m just saying respect your subject matter, Kevin.

There are some cues that maybe this film was meant to be set in the 80s. The idea that a porno has to have a plot certainly was prevalent then. There is also a pair of kids that hang out at the coffee shop that I thought we were supposed to think of as a young Jay & Silent Bob. The movie would make more sense this way. But they can’t be Jay & Silent Bob since this movie takes place in Pittsburgh.

And another thing, you make a movie in Pittsburgh and there’s not one scene in a Primanti’s?? Not one long, lingering shot of a South Side Slope??

• 10 Breasts
• 0 Beasts
• 4 Laughs
• 0 Out loud laughs
  

Academy Award Nomination for Justin Long for being the only good thing in this pile of guano.

Academy Award Nomination for Jason Mewes for hooking up with Kevin Smith early in life and delivering very little late in life.

D

King Wally says check it out at your own risk.

Blu-Ray Review: Forgetting Sarah Marshall

I had originally decided that, as this movie was only slightly above average, it probably did no deserve a movie review from me. I'm a very busy person and cannot be bothered to write several lines about a movie that was merely above average.

Don't get me wrong. I did really like. There is something personally appealling to me about a big goofy guy like How I Met Your Mother's Jason Segel getting to fuck both Kristen Bell and Mila Kunis. And the plot -- a recently dump guy trying to clear his head of thoughts of his hot ex goes to Hawaii where said hot ex is at the exact same hotel with her new beau -- does deliver on uncomfortable hilarity. But there weren't the gut-busting laughs like you get from a Superbad or a Step Brothers.

In fact, the movie it's closest to, The Hammer, is a better, funnier movie. So, nope, no review here.

But then I started rewatching it on the HBO or Showtime or whatever and I began to realize that this is the greatest movie ever for one criterion, and one criterion only.

This movie possess the largest collection of women that I would actually want to make sex on.

Of course, other movies have many more "hot" women than this. But Forgetting Sarah Marshall has women that, at least in this reviewers twisted mind, are semi-attainable.

They are not the typical hot Hollywood whore. They're more like the cutest chick in marching band -- maybe a little hotter.

Let's run them down, and see if you agree:

Kristen Bell - aka Veronica Mars, aka Electric Elle on Heroes. She's cute with a rockin petite body. But the face is just off enough that after a few Buttery Nipples at the Capitol Grille, she might be within reach.

Mila Kunis – the cute chick from That 70’s Show. She’s adorably cute, but not a classic beauty. And she kinda talks funny. So she probably has some self esteem issues about that. Low self esteem = fun.

Kristin Wiig – many characters on SNL – hillariously funny in her one scene in the movie. She looks like the fun chick in your circle of friends and she’s funny.

Maria Thayer – I had only seen her once before as the blind chick Kenneth was smitten with on 30 Rock. Unknown to me at the time, this was a bit of stunt-casting as she played Jack McBrayer’s (30 Rock’s Kenneth) wife in Forgetting Sarah Marshall. She’s an amazing redhead with amazing porcelain skin with a light dusting of amazing freckles. Since she’s the least know of the four, she’s probably the most gettable.

• 6 breasts
• 0 beasts
• Luau-fu
  

Academy Award Nomination to Jason Segel for writing a movie where he gets to hold Mila Kunis while naked. Unfortunately, it was him, not her.

Anti -Academy Award nomination for the director of photography for filming Kristen Bell’s nude scene so you can’t see anything.

B+

King Wally says check it out.

Hmmm. Maybe I'll Hold Off On That Blu-Ray Upgrade Afterall

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