Fuck You AT&T

In case you’ve wondered where my daily Walkabout post-trip blogging has gone (yes that’s a confusing sentence), it all started a long time ago in an AT&T store far far away (if 75 and Park is far far away).

My iPhone 3gs had gone tits up (#firstworldpain) so I had to go buy a new one.  In doing so I was coaxed into signing up for Uverse with promises of free HBO, Showtime, hot and cold running angel tears, and eternal contentment.  So, it was essentially the ‘08 Obama campaign all over again, and I bought every word.

Since I would be out of town for much of the following month, I opted to have my Uverse install performed when I got back from Germany. So, this past Tuesday a technician came out but couldn’t get a strong enough signal.  He couldn’t get it to work and would send another technician in the afternoon.  Smash-cut to three technicians and an apprentice later and I’m told that they have done everything they could do, but there is no way for the Uverse modem to synch, the signal just isn’t strong enough.

“OK”, I said, “But I’m going to need my DSL turned back on.”  (With all the dicking around with lines and boxes and wires and whatnot [emphasis on the whatnot], I had lost my DSL.)

“Sure thing.  Give me 30 minutes and I’ll have your DSL up and running.”, the technician replied.

After about a two hour wait, I called AT&T.

Let me now ask the people of AT&T and any other phone support system, if the robot that answers my call knows my phone number why the fuck does the actual human that finally takes my call ask me for my phone number???  At this point I’m not in any condition to be polite and when asked for my phone number I began to get chippy.

“Don’t you already know my number.  The robot that answered the call knew my number.  Why are you asking this.  It just doesn’t seem efficient.  I was on hold for quite a while.  Maybe if you skipped this step you could service more customers more quickly.”

The unamused “Customer Support Representative” relied, “Sorry for any inconvenience, but I’m still going to need your number.

After retelling my story of Uverse angst, the “CSR” assured me that someone would be out that afternoon to turn on my DSL.  I made the mistake of believing him and went about the rest of my day.  The next day I performed the same drama and by the end of the day still had no DSL or any phone call telling me what’s going on.

Mysteriously, I got a phone call from AT&T on Saturday telling me that they would be unable to install Uverse (DUH!) and did I have any more questions.  I offered up that I still needed my DSL turned back on.  A bit confused, the AT&T representative apologized and assured me that she would have someone look into it.  I didn’t believe her but gave her a “Thank you.” anyways.

And now we get to “My Sunday on the Phone with AT&T” or “The Hour I Will Never Get Back”.

Since this entry is closing in on the record for my longest blog post, I’ll skip my first two calls to AT&T and subsequent hang-ups while being transferred to 2nd level support.

Finally I called and go to DSL support directly.  After explaining my problem, the DSL tech tried some things to get it to start working but failed.  She then finally relented and agreed that a service technician would be sent out.  She then had the balls to tell me that “if the problem was with the line inside my house I would be charged $115 for the repair.”

That’s when I lost it the first time.

“You will not charge me anything.  I did not screw this up.  You guys screwed this up.  Please make a note on my ticket that I will not be charged for this.  My DSL has worked perfectly for the seven years I’ve lived in my house.  If there is a problem, you guys did it.”  I so wanted to say “Fucked” but I was trying to keep a tiny bit of civility.

After consulting with a manager, she relented and said I would not be charged for any line repair.  She then informed me that she could have technician out to my house between 8am and 8pm tomorrow.

That’s when I lost it a second time.

“No.  We’re not doing this again.  I’ve wasted a whole week with you guys.  You are [fucking] AT&T you can do whatever [the fuck] you want.  You’re one of the largest companies in world.  I know this because you’ve been [ass raping] for a week now over this.  If you wanted to send a technician to my house in three minutes you could.  So, give me a specific time.  Either first thing in the morning or first thing after lunch.”  Parenthetical cussing was all in my head.

After much such arguing, I finally got her manager to relent and say she would at least try to get me a technician first thing after lunch.  I don’t believe her.  But, honestly, what threats did I have left?

So here I am writing this blog entry, watching the Cowboy game on a rogue Japanese website through one of my neighbor’s open WiFi.  But as least I got to see a highlarryass Japanese ShamWOW commercial.

Scientists Find Bagged Lunch Could Lead to Food Poisoning. Still No Cure for Cancer.

I read this article on HuffingtonPost and couldn’t help but bang my face against my laptop in exasperation.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The key graph:

According to the University of Texas, a whopping 99% of the 700 box lunches belonging to preschoolers contained foods that were kept at unsafe temperatures. These significant results revealed an accommodating environment for bacteria to grow, ultimately the cause of food poisoning and other bacterial infection.

First of all, it’s no surprise that bullshit like this is coming out of t.u.

Well I guess this explains all the dead preschoolers stacked up like cordwood at my neighborhood nursery school.  As a nation, have we run out of things to worry about?  We now have to hired bored “scientist” to find new things to worry about.  And haven’t kids been taking lunch to school since the dawn of time?  And what exactly is the point of this research?  And what would these researchers have the parents do? Turn their kids over to the “healthy” foods served at schools – fish sticks, mac & cheese, a pudding cup and skim milk?

And the study does not find that the lunches had bacterial growth.  This could have easily been done by swabbing the lunches to see what nasty pathogens were growing in young Aiden’s lunch box.  But I guess we weren’t really interested in finding something bad.  Speculating about catastrophe is far more fun.

Stay tuned for an upcoming headline:

Going Outside Could Lead to Death

Soon to be followed up,of course, with:

Staying Home Could Lead to Death

Really?? This Was the Best You Could Do?

Wow.  I would like to congratulate the fucktards in congress for congratulating themselves for solving the debt crisis.  They have selflessly slashed $1Trillion (with a T, if you can’t read) (wow, that’s a lot)  over the next ten years.

What’s that you say?  Speak up?

Over the next ten years.

WHAT?  So all this bickering and hand wringing has been over $100 billion?  We’re taking our $3.8 trillion budget and reducing it to $3.7 trillion.  That’s like if I’m about to default on my mortgage and tell the bank, “Hey, I just canceled HBO.  That’s a savings of $3000 over the next 10 years.”  They would then ask for my keys and tell me to get the fuck out of their house.

But, Steve, it’s so haaaaard to make real cuts.  The Federal gummint is very important (just ask them).  It can’t be cut.

Oh yeah.  How about this:

• All those troops in Japan and Germany?  I find it amusing so many are concerned about getting our troops out of Iraq and Afghanistan when we have yet to withdraw from countries we were at war with 70 years ago. And do they really need to be there?  Germany is a rich country.  I’m sure it can defend itself against Poland.  How bad can being pelted by pierogies be?  It sounds quite delicious.
• The Department of Education.  Are the children of America smarter or dumber since the advent of this cabinet office?  Dumber you say.  Then why have it? 
• Farm Subsidies.  This is easy for me to suggest a cut.  I’m not in Congress where I would regularly be treated to “lobbyists” from Archer Daniel Midland blowing me while handing me thick packs of $100 bills. In fact eliminate the entire USDA.   All they have done is made type II diabetes epidemic with their retarded food pyramid.
• Means test Social Security and raise the retirement age to at least 70. With the stipulation that we no longer steal from Social Security to pay our credit cards.  The government doesn’t let me take money out of my 401k to pay for a new iPad.  They should have the same restrictions.

There, how many hundreds of billions, if not trillions, of dollars a year did I save and I’m just sitting on my couch in my drawers.

It’s not that hard folks.  Now grow a pair and get back to work.

Am I the Asshole?

Due largely to the light dusting of Asperger’s I no doubt have, it is sometimes difficult for me to judge accurately if I’ve been an asshole.  Thus, I must come to you, my good strong reader (s???) to make the call.

This is my story.

The other day I was mowing my front lawn.  Now before you give your summary judgment, I am not asking if I’m an asshole for waiting so long between mowings.  But thank you for your input. 

While mowing my lawn, a mid 20s-ish woman pulled up in her late model Toyota 4Runner.  She existed her car and headed into the older house next to mine.  I waved hi and and continued on with my mowing.  There is a lot of turn-over in the tenants that live in that house and I had no recollection of ever seeing her before.

A few minutes later I see a cop car had turned onto my street from Skillman and just stops in the middle of my street.  Eventually he moves out of the middle of the street when another motorist needs to get through.  With each pass of the mower over my mostly dead grass, I can’t help but notice the cops and begin to suspect something is up.  Since my front yard isn’t that big, after a few more passes, I’m done mowing and put my mower back inside.

I have a small growing oak tree, no more than a foot tall, growing in the little green area between my sidewalk and the street.  Noticing several brown leaves on the baby, I went inside for water. With a bucket of water in my hand, a police officer comes up to me and asks, “Has anyone left the house next door?”,  pointing to the old house next to mine in which the young woman just walking inside.

“No”, I replied.

“Have you seen your neighbor at all today?  Do you know if he is inside?”

“No, I haven’t seen him at all.”, I truthfully answered since I only knew that SHE was inside.

“Do you know your neighbor at all?”

“No.  I think he just moved in recently”

“Ok.  Thanks”

So here’s where I may be an asshole.  I intentionally didn’t offer up the information about the woman inside the house.  I have no reason to suspect wrongdoing by my neighbor, but more importantly I didn’t want to help the cop and here’s why. A few weeks ago, my buddy Jason (aka Pokemon) had his car illegally towed in a parking lot behind the old Blarney Stone.  There was no signage stating you couldn’t park there and Jason suspected the the lot attendant was poaching the lot and had no authority to have cars towed from the lot.  This was later confirmed by the the manager of Chichin Itza, who only have a lot attendant on the weekends. 

While his car is getting hooked up, Jason appeals to a nearby police officer.  The cop just shook his head and stated it was a “civil matter”.  After more pleas, the cop became confrontational and threatened Jason with arrest.

So while the officer was questioning me in my yard I couldn’t help but think, “You arrogant fucks didn’t help my friend when he needed your help, why should I help you?”

So, am I an asshole?  And please use this incident and this incident only as the basis for your answer.

I, For One, Salute Our Fine State Troopers

I could not believe what I saw today, and have never been more proud of our brave state troopers.

This morning during my commute to work (where else would I be commuting to?) I witnessed the most glorious use of police work since they found that dude that kidnapped the plane used to bring Limburger cheese to a corn field outside Abbotabad. 

I may have some of my facts confused.

But back to me.

As seems to happen every morning and evening, there is someone in the left lane (often called The Passing Lane) on the Dallas North Tollway that does not realize that there are people behind him/her (usually her) that would like to proceed at a higher MPH the she is going.  Typically this is because the driver is more focused on her phone conversation than what’s going on around her.  Let me be the first to apologize to her for potentially distracting her from her very important conversation about last night’s episode of America's Next Top New Jersey Embarrassment.

So anyway, a state trooper was among the many of us in line behind Miss Chatty.  For a while he moved over to the center lane and temporarily moved a few car lengths in front of her, only to return to a car length or two behind – still in the center lane.  Then, abruptly, he turns on his lights moves back over to the left lane and pulls her over.

She certainly wasn’t speeding.  And she did not look the type to have outstanding warrants.  So I am left to believe that finally someone has been ticketed for not passing in the passing lane.  If this is the case, and I don’t care if it’s not because I want to believe this so much, then for those who like to speed, we salute you good Trooper.

I Guess I Am #1

There were two incidents that happened the past few weeks that, to me, exemplify our post-modern narcissistic, entitlement society.

The first one actually happened to me.  I was driving home and stopped at a stop light  -- which is what any good God fearing, bin Laden death celebrating, red blooded American does..  Sitting as the sixth car in the middle lane, I watched as the first four cars crossed the intersection after the light turned green.  The fifth car, that being the one in front of me for those not paying too close attention, stood still -- the driver obvious texting or reading a text.  Wanting to get home before the approaching May 12 Armageddon, I gently gave my horn a honk to alert the distracted driver in front of me.  The driver looked up, saw the green light, proceeded to move through the intersection, and for the next three blocks presented his right middle finger to me for my amusement.

Really??

I’m supposed to sit patiently behind you while you tell your buddy how awesome Thor is?   Seriously, how am I the asshole here?  You’re the asshat keeping me from my precious couch and Tivo.

And is anyone still offended by the middle finger? 

The second incident didn’t directly happened to me.  But it did happen, once again, as I was sitting at a stop light.

Me – westbound on Lovers at Matilda waiting to turn left to go to Central Market.  East and west bound Lovers had the green lights.  A crowd of pedestrians who had just gotten off a bus were to my left waiting to cross Lovers.  Then, out of the blue, a young heavy man-boy who looks like he probably has a comfortable cot in his mom’s garage,  proceeded to cross Lovers.  An SUV narrowly missed him and honks, alerting him to the danger he just placed himself in.  The obvious reaction is for him to stop in the middle of traffic and give the SUV double-barreled middle fingers.

Again, you don’t have the right to flip someone off when you are the obvious asstard.

And this takes me to the crux of my thesis about narcissistic entitlement.  In both cases, these two “gentlemen” felt so in the right, despite empirical evidence to the contrary, they had no other option but to present the middle finger.  How dare anyone tell them that what they were doing was either dangerous or inconsiderate.

All we need to do is bow to each man’s wall of participation trophies accumulated throughout their years of self-esteem boosting entitlement indoctrination that is the modern USA.

Be warned America.  Make way for the modern bird shooting man.  Please do not interrupt his very important business of walking to the Tom Thumb for more Hot Pockets.

Am I the Asshole ?

Before you reflexively (and enthusiastically) shout “YES!”  Please be so kinda as to wait for my story.

It’s the day after New Years Eve – often referred to as New Years Day, but I’m not one for modern fads – and I’m getting in my Xterra after shopping at Whole Foods in search of grub to heal a booze ravaged body. 

“Excuse me, sir.  Can you help me”, I hear as I’m closing my door.

I roll down my window to see the woman talking from her SUV.

“Can you help me?  I’m running out of gas and I need to get to my mother who’s in the hospital in critical condition and I left my wallet at home".

I rolled my eyes, shook my head, raised my window and started my car.

So, am I the asshole?

A common begging technique these days is declaring you need gas money.  I’m not sure why beggars thing this is a better strategy than the “Will drop trow for money” used by the classically trained beggar.   And my spidey sense told me this was such a scam. 

Why?

Well, there was another person in the car with the woman – an older man, prehaps her father.  So I am to believe that both people left the house without any money?  Also, there is a 7-11 across the street from the Lakewood Whole Foods.  Why not hang out there where you can ask someone getting gas for help rather than driving around a parking lot?

Your verdict?

Gee, Thanks for the Headsup

I got some spam today from Forbes with this exciting headline:

Five stocks you should know about now (as of 10/31/08).

Wow! Really!

Well, shit. Let me get in my Delorean and go back 6 weeks so I can make a killing in the market. This will really help the 401(k).

What next? A strong sell recommendation (as of 9/1929)??

Ralph Nader Becomes Irrelevant in 3....2....and 1

I didn't see much of the Fox election night coverage, but I did see this live.

Good riddance.