The Summer of Steve

If you're not watching Archer on FX, you're flirting with the Danger Zone!

2012-01-31T17:16:00.001-06:00

Click on Archer’s face to enter The Danger Zone (soundboard).

Birthday Week Gift Idea #2

2012-01-31T00:05:00.000-06:00

LG 84-Inch "Ultra-Definition" 3-D TV

Birthday Week Gift Suggestion #1

2012-01-30T16:14:00.001-06:00

Starship Enterprise coffee table

Best Teeshirt Ever

2012-01-30T13:27:00.000-06:00

Hat tip to the great @DanaJGould

2011 in Review: Top Ten Meals

2012-01-28T09:43:00.000-06:00

10	Ocean Prime (Dallas, TX) This may have been rated higher (or lower) if I could vividly remember this meal. But I think it was pretty good. Plus it introduced me to Penner Ash Pinot Noir.
9	Le Perraudin (Paris, France) A traditional French meal in a traditional French restaurant.
8	Schweine Janes (Dusseldorf, Germany) Slow roasted pork sandwich. What more do you need to know?
7	Preist Station Cafe (Groveland, CA) An absolutely gorgeous view of the sunset and cheap bottle of wine to go with some pretty good comfort food.
6	Restaurant in Beilstein Germany I went with the Schnitzel. It was delicious. Plus, there was the beautiful view of the Mosel.
5	Wayfare Tavern (San Francisco, CA) After a weekend out basking in the beauty of the Sierra Nevadas, could there be a better way to celebrate than putting Effingham Inlet oysters in your face?
4	Hotel Villa Melsheimer (Reil, Germany) This is more because this may be my favorite day of 2011. And this is my favorite meal of my favorite day of 2011. There was a meal earlier in the day (and referenced about) that was tastier. But for the overall vibe of Zweibelkuchen and Federweisser and 40+ kilometers of biking, nothing could beat this. And, yes, I still love you Amy.
3	Au Bon Bol (Brussels, Belgium) .Of all the great meal I had in Europe in 2011, this is the one I obsess on. It could be because I hadn’t eaten, thanks to Lufthansa’s 24 hour Gander delay, a good meal in two days. It could be because, thanks to paleo, I hadn’t eaten any noodles in over 6 months. But whatever the reason, the artisan noodles with crispy duck were absolutely sublime.
2	Lucia (Oak Cliff, Texas) The first time I ate at what I now consider my favorite Dallas restaurant I felt like I was in Portland. That’s how good I think this place is. It takes me to a much better place. The second time I ate here I surpassed my first experience. Eat everything here all the time always.
1	Elliot’s Oyster House (Seattle WA) It is impossible to consider any other meal in 2011 as better than this one. It started off with a dozen pacific oysters, followed by geoduck, crab cakes, a giant serving of more crab and then another dozen pacific oysters. And all of this on a dock overlooking Puget Sound and drinking a couple of bottles of a delightful Oregon Pinot Noir.

2011 in Review: Top Fifteen Pictures

2012-01-09T00:01:00.000-06:00

In reviewing my 2011 pictures two things became obvious to me. One, I need to take more pictures. Even though I took almost twice as many pictures as the year before, that was mostly due to taking many more pictures at fewer “picture” opportunities. The second was that there was no obvious best picture of 2011.

In 2009 this was by far the best picture I took of an old couple in a café in Paris.:

In 2010 it was this self explanatory picture:

So, for 2011 I narrowed it down to these fifteen in no particular order.

Area Dog Possibly Possessed by a Vorlon

2012-01-08T18:40:00.001-06:00

My Leader Is Making Me Watch Horrible Television Again

2012-01-05T22:47:00.001-06:00

Once again Adam Carolla has signed on to do mind-numbing D-List celebrity reality show. Four years ago it was Dancing with the Stars (as decried here)and now it’s Celebrity Apprentice. As I prayed last time, please let him be the first voted off whore island.

I may have to seek out a new leader.

Yikes! I’m All of These

2012-01-05T22:19:00.000-06:00

EcoSalon (I dunno. I’ve never heard of it either. I followed a link from The Huffington Post) has this article:

FOODIE UNDERGROUND: THE 10 TYPES OF FOODIES (AND WHAT TO DO WITH THEM)

I Made It Myself – Check – I do love to cook..
The Organavore – Partial Check – I’ll do liver but other organs I haven’t the guts to eat so far. Do you see what I did there?
The Europhile – Duh!
The One Upper – Maybe
The Snob – I do love fine dining.
The Anti-snob – I do love a great dive.
The Avoider – Check – Thanks to paleo.
The Blogging Food Pornographer – I’ve done a little bit of food porn in college.
The Bacon Lover – Isn’t that everyone??
The DIYer -- Check, butter, beer, bread, mayo, salad dressing to name just a few of the common items I’ve made. And I’m about to try yogurt and sour kraut.

2011 in Review: Top Five TV Shows

2012-01-05T00:54:00.000-06:00

The Golden age of TV that was the Oughts is long gone. Must See Tee Vee like Lost, The Shield, The Sopranos, Battlestar Galactica, Deadwood and The Wire are now just distant memories relived by Netfilx or HBO-Go streaming. But there are still a few shows that demand my near immediate attention when they air.

5	Portlandia (IFC) A quirky sketch comedy about my beloved Portland makes the list by mocking my beloved Portland in a very quirky, comedic and beloved way.
4	The League (FX) Nick Kroll may be just about the funniest person on TV right now. And The League may have had the funniest scene on TV in 2011 with Sarah Silverman and Jeff Goldblum demonstrating how they eat sorbet.
3	Homeland (Showtime) Essentially a smarter 24 with Clarie Danes being much hotter and crazier than Keifer Sutherland and Mandy Patakin playing the same role he’s played on Criminal Minds and Dead Like Me.
2	Archer (FX) Holy shit snacks!! This is such classic me putting a show like this this high on my list.
1	Breaking Bad (AMC) It’s the only show on this list that rises to the level and even surpases the shows listed in the introduction. In my opinion, and that of Chuck Klosterman, it’s the best show ever.

Also receiving votes: Game of Thrones, Boardwalk Empire, Children's Hospital, Community and Modern Family

Live Blogging NFL Week 17: Cowboys @ Giants

2012-01-01T22:30:00.001-06:00

This isn’t going to be pretty I fear. And I mean both my live blogging, which I haven’t done in quite a while, and the Cowboys whose defense can’t stop any QB without a broken throwing arm.

First Quarter

14:55	So far so good. No major fuckups on the kickoff return.
13:35	Ugh. Dez misreads another pass. If there’s a dumber player in the NFL it’s MartyB.
13:13	Apparently Darrell “DJ” “Moose" Johnston just walked into the building.
10:42	I’m already bored. Even an episode of Dexter would be a relief.
10:29	Wow. Cowboy’s D makes a play on 3rd and less than 1.
9:55	Dez muffs the punt. Which is just about the funniest sentence in football.
9:48	Felix with the first down run for a first down. Which is a decidedly an unfunny sentence.
8:45	It looks like Doug Free dropped his purse and was unable to block Pierre-Paul.
7:46	Awesome punt by Jones to pin Giants on their 4.
6:59	YOU GOTTA BE FUCKING KIDDING ME. Make a fucking tackle TNew
4:57	TD Giants. Cruz with the TD Reception. Unbelievable. TNew sucks. This team does not deserve to go the playoffs with a starting DB of that caliber.

Dallas NY	0 7

3:25	Romo sacked again. Hey Kosier, if you’re standing around not blocking anyone, you might be a shitty offensive lineman.
2:54	Alan Ball, no doubt contemplating another horrible season of True Blood, can’t come up with the muffed punt. That’s starting to be less funny.
1:05	Thomas with his third catch of the season. Of course it was against TNew. I’m beginging to think that I could get a couple of receptions if I lined up against him. What? Don’t laugh. I’ve been working out. Honest.
0:15	Ball in for TNew. I’m not sure that’s too much of an improvement.
0:01	Pass Interference on Ball. But at least he was in the same zip code as the receiver.

Dallas NY	0 7

Second Quarter

13:27	TD Giants. 6 yard run by Bradshaw. And another missed tackle by the Cowboys

Dallas NY	00 14

12:40	Jones runs for a loss of 3. The OLine is competing with the DBs for the worst area of the team.
11:55	OL in the lead with another sack of Romo. Hey, guys, the idea is to keep the guys in blue out of your backfield.
9:13	UNBELIEVABLE. Three Cowboys could have recovered that fumble and it just bounces into Eli’s hands.
8:30	It’s a bad time to be a Dallas sports fan. Mavericks lose big to Minn tonight. At least the Stars are in first place in their division. Go Stars!
7:29	Field goal by Giants is no good. The comeback is on!!!! I can’t even type that with a straight face.
7:15	Dez finally does something tonight besides look lost with an 11 yard catch.
7:15	It’s good see that Robert Downey Jr. hasn’t sold out.
6:15	From @TweetGrubes -- Report: Justin Tuck leaves game with sprained taint.
5:00	Brilliant play by Romo except for the part where he threw the ball beyond the line of scrimmage
4:35	Another dumb penalty by Ball.
2:00	From @TweetGrubes - Report: Alan Ball also leaves game with sprained taint.#onemoremakesitanepidemic
1:17	TNew with the whiiiiffff.
1:09	TD Giants. Another missed tackle leads to a TD.

Dallas NY	00 21

0:00	Bailey with a missed 51 yard FG

Dallas NY	00 21

Third Quarter

15:00	Somebody had asparagus for dinner.
14:09	Dallas DBs look as lost as my carkeys last night.
11:55	Ball has an uncanny ability to miss making any kind of footbal play on the football field, as Eli steps up to avoid the sack.
4:28	TD Dallas. Robinson with the reception. 94 yard drive.

Dallas NY	07 21

6:30	The Dallas defensive front is getting less penetration than The Jester at a Girls With Low Self Esteem and Daddy Issues convention.
5:55	And as soon as I write that, the Cowboys finally sack Manning.
4:17	Has Austin been getting catching lessons from TO?
4:07	Ugh. INT by Rolle . Romo getting a bit too cute. It hurts to miss that one.
4:07	Whitney is moving to Wednesdays?? WTF?? What am I supposed to do on Thursday nights now??
3:27	Is this game/season over yet?
2:33	Highlarryass. Cowboys recover a fumble negated by an offsides.
2:23	Dallas with a huuuuge stop on 4th down. Lee with the big hit.
0:41	Witten is such a baddass. I love it when he barrels over DBs for extra yardage.

Dallas NY	07 21

Fourth Quarter

13:56	Jason Garret once again shows his football acumen with his calling of a QB sneak on fourth down with a QB with a very sore hand. Just because you went to Princeton doesn't mean you're smart. It is, afterall, the Ivy League school in New Jersey.
13:05	Whoa! TNew acts like a tackler and not a hurdle for once.
10:15	TD Cowboys!! 6 yard reception by Robinson. How is this even happening?

Dallas NY	14 21

10:08	Hey! There's a Shameless marathon on Showtime! I think I'll switch over.
10:04	Ratliff channels Mutumbo and rejects the Manning pass to half court.
9:04	HOW DOES THAT FUCKING HAPPEN?? Cruz catches a 40 yard prayer from Manning. And BTW, Cruz is eating your lunch all game and you have him one-on-one with Scandrick???
6:51	Ware finally with a meaningful fourth quarter sack.
5:55	This would be a good time for Coughlin to ice his kicker.
5:50	FG Giants. That'll just about do it.

Dallas NY	14 24

5:39	Oh, and let's not forget to congratulate Rob Ryan and his defense for once again spitting the bit when a much needed stop is, well, much needed very much.
5:29	Romo sacked for the fifth time. So the OLine is doing their part to thwart the comeback.
5:03	Well that was a pathetic three-and-out.
3:46	TNew beat again. Nicks from Manning down to the Dallas 4.
3:46	TNew looks like he seriously pulled his taint on that play. And may have to undergo season ending taint surgery. Good think he made sure the season would end tonight.
3:41	TD Giants. 4 yard pass from Manning to Nicks. Game Over. Season Over. Goodnight Everybody!

Dallas NY	14 31

1:41	Romo fumbles forced by Tuck recovered by the Giants. The game’s really over now.

Dallas NY	14 31
	Final

Neko Case Brings the Funny to 2012

2012-01-01T13:16:00.001-06:00

Vermont resident, New Pornographers band member, Twitter savant and frequent participant in this blogger’s most deviant of fantasies, Neko Case has started out 2012 burning up Twitter with her comedy stylings. Please to enjoy:

2011, you tried to be as shitty as 2010 and failed! Which makes you even more pathetic! Good riddance you soul sucking troll!
***all tweets represent the personal grievances and disappointments of miss case. Happy new year to the rest of you. Xo
2011.Feel like I just got out of the State Penn and now I'm gonna go hang at a random laundry mat. I have just enough cash to bleach myself.
In other words, I was roughly finger-banged by the mayonnaise-y, frat-boy hands of 2011.
Time to change out of this unflattering robe and into a animal print snuggie. 2012 is about comfort and embracing my "benign gender" status.
My vagina is now the lint catcher in my dryer! #Genderbenign2012
I was just kidding about my vagina! It's right over there in front of the fridge drinking milk straight out the carton!

Although the funniest Tweet of the day:

Scotty L. @MarylandMudflap -- Already broke my resolution: I killed a drifter.

2011 in Reivew: Top Five Movies

2012-01-01T00:20:00.000-06:00

Seriously?? Do you even read this blog? I don’t go to movies. They are terrible. There’s only been a handful of good movies made since Fargo. So I don’t waste my time with them anymore. And I would advise you to do the same.

2011 in Review: Top Five Beverages

2011-12-31T10:10:00.000-06:00

This was a good year to pour beverages down my face. Let’s review, shall we?

5 (Tie)	Hendricks Martini at Mortons / Barb’s Hendricks Martini Having just be turned onto Hendricks Gin, I surprised Ryan the bartender at Mortons after he asked if I wanted my usual Saphire martini. After my first he suggested that it would be good with muddled cucumber and a salt and pepper rim. “I’ll have one of those then.” I said. And then had another. And maybe had another. Now Barb makes a delicious version. But don’t drink one if you’re trying to sober up.
4	La Chouffe This was my go to Belgian Rally Ale during the base playoffs. And it worked right up until game seven. Yes I had neglected to have any on hand for game six. Oh, and they gave me that nice hat during their happy hour at the Belgian Beer Fest.
3	The Mèdoc at Le Perraudin This was easily the best wine I had in Euroland in 2011. I wish I had taken a picture of the board so I could tell you exactly what it was.
2	Fedefweisser at Hotel Villa Melsheimer in Reil I’m not sure if it was the intoxicating view of the Mosel Valley, the intoxicatingly delicious Zweibelkuchen, the intoxicatingly leisurely bike ride along the Mosel or our intoxicatingly cute waitress Amy, but this young, cloudy sweet wine hit the schpott.
1	Westvleteren Trappist Ale They only sold it twice a day during the Belgian Beer Fest. And I just happened to be in line returning my glass. JT had poopooed it. But he lies with his lying mouth. It was real and spectacular.

2011 in Review: Top Five Worst Deaths

2011-12-31T06:57:00.000-06:00

As noted in a previous blog entry, this was a year in which some truly horrible and death-worthy people died. But it was also a year in which some great and visionary people died.

5	REM I’m not going to apologize for their being the significant college band of my college days. Yes, they are mostly a parody of themselves now. But back before MTV would show them, they were greatness. RIP World Leader Pretend.
4	Peter Falk Columbo is one of my all-time favorite shows of all time forever, always. And that would not be the case without the greatest of Peter Falk. And try to find a funnier movie in the 70s than The InLaws.
3	Christopher Hitchens One of the great thinkers of the last half century. His writings in The Nation, Slate and The Atlantic were go to articles for me the past decade. I wish I was 1/10th as literate as he.
2	Steven Jobs There were personal computers before the Mac, There were MP3 players before the iPod. There were smart phones before the iPhone. There were tablet computers before the iPad. But, through his leadership and guidance, the gold standard for all of those products were set. If only more tech companies would follow his ethic of “we’re not going to sell crap that’s barely usable”.
1	Valcav Havel There certainly is something romantic about a writer leading his country against socialist totalitarians and into freedom and democracy. It doesn’t hurt that I’ve personally seen the greatest that is the modern Czech Republic. Mmmmmm beer and pork knuckle. What???

2011 in Review: Top 5 Worst Moments

2011-12-30T22:02:00.000-06:00

As years go, 2011 barely makes it into the top 10 of 21st Century years – thank you 2005. While there was some incredible travel and food and wine and beer, there was also the hottest summer ever, and not in the fun way.

5	Landing in Gander, Newfoundland There are few worse words you can hear while flying over the north Atlantic than “We’re having to turn back and land in Gander Canada.” It’s even worse auf Deutsch. A mysterious smell and a lack of Airbus 340 mechanics at this remote “international” airport delayed my trip to Europe by a day but added an additional country to my three country trip. But the fuckers at Canadian customs didn’t even stamp my brand new passport.
4	Landing in Frankfurt Flughafen After 24 of practically no sleep, I finally was in Frankfurt. The problem, however, was that the original plan was to acclimate for a day in the ‘dorf. But now there was no time to acclimate and didn’t even know what the new plan was. Eventually JT talked me off the panic limb and I made my way to Brussels.
3	Signing Up for AT&T Uverse This was largely chronicled in this blog posting. But I want to reiterate and make it perfectly clear – FUCK YOU AT&T!!!
2	Wallet Stolen in Paris To be fair, if you’re going to get your wallet stolen, doing so in Paris makes a far better story than Pleasant Grove. But try not to do it with less than €150 and your pre-paid train ticket home from Düsseldorf to Frankfurt.
1	David Fucking Freese

2011 in Review: Top Five Best Deaths

2011-12-27T08:24:00.000-06:00

This was a great year for horrible people to die. Or for great characters to die horribly. As morbid as it may seem, this is a list of my favorite deaths of 2011.

5	Muammar Quadafi – Sirte, Libya Finally our long national struggle to spell his name the same way twice is over.
4	Osama bin Laden – Abbotabad, Pakistan My Tea Party friends tell me killing bin Laden is the only good thing Barack Hussein Obama has ever done. OK, I don’t have any friends in the Tea Party. And by “friends in the Tea Party”, I mean “friends”.
3	Kim Jong-Il – Pyongyang, Democratic People’s Republic of Korea Truly one of the most horrible humans in a family of horrible humans. He let his people starve as he ate and drank and fucked like a king. But I hear it was an excellent golfer. And he was most certainly a snazzy dresser.
1 (Tie)	Gustavo Fring and Uncle Tio – Santa Fe, NM *Spoiler Alert* But really, this happened months ago. And if you’re not on board with Breaking Bad by now, then too bad. They essentially died together. Although Gus lasted a few glorious seconds longer. And I included Uncle Tio because I was having a hard time coming up with a fifth great death. And this is as good of a time as any to go off on my Gus Fring rant. While Breaking Bad* is the greatest TV show ever (sorry about that. The Wire, you’ve been usurped), the character of Gus Fring, no matter how great he was, was simply unbelievable. One becomes a drug lord for the money, the glamor the women and the power. Not to pretend to be a manager of a chicken joint.

* But if this has persuaded you to try Breaking Bad and you wish to order the first season on Blu-Ray, may I recommend this link -- Breaking Bad: The Complete First Season [Blu-ray]

2011 in Review: Top Five Worst Meals

2011-12-24T13:00:00.001-06:00

Well it’s that time of year again when spirit of Christmas possesses me to start compiling lists of the good and bad thing that happened the previous 12 or so months.

Let’s start at the bottom with the worsts and work our way up to the good. After all, the first rule in blogging is end on a high. That and bring the hate.

5	Remmington’s, Addison TX Thanks to an ill-advised Groupon purchase (not by me) I got to experience the horror that is Remmington’s. If you ever want to go to see a restaurant that has given up and is content to serve frozen crap, Remmington’s is the place.
4	Lowell’s, Seattle WA Sure, the last meal on a trip to Seattle will be the worst because of all the sadness from leaving the greatest city in the USA from all your tears over salting your eggs. Plus it gave both Lidia and I food poisoning.
3	Sonny Bryan’s BBQ, Irving TX In researching my probably never to completed survey of the chain BBQ joints of Dallas, I eventually made my way to the highly touted Sonny Bryan’s. It’s almost always at the top of D Magazine or the Dallas Observers list of best BBQ place (reader’s choice). BBQ is a quick and easy paleo lunch. So knowing which chains I could stand is important. I can’t always make it to Meshack’s, Hard 8 or Pecan Lodge. And while the sausage was ok, the brisket had zero smoke flavor. In fact, it had zero flavor.
2	Art’s Crab Shak, Hayward CA Sometimes after a long plane ride and another long car ride to the final destination – Yosemite – you can’t always be too picky where you eat. Add to that my foodie instinct to try local joints and dive joints and one is sometimes presented with a toxic mix of dumb locals going to a cheap-ass restaurant. After all, Freud did say, “Sometimes a dive is just a dive.” The food was obviously frozen sometime in the 90s. And is margarine really that much cheaper than butter?
1	Random Indian Restaurant, Paris France Admittedly, the food wasn’t that bad. Some of it was pretty good, in fact. But considering that it cost JT a toenail, me my wallet and both of us about 20 minutes on a very crowded Paris bus, it just wasn’t worth it.

Merry Christmas from the Late, Great Marvin Sease

2011-12-24T09:26:00.001-06:00

Freedom of Speech Infiltrates Texas

2011-12-21T18:55:00.001-06:00

Congratulations to the Jester King Brewery for beating back the Jackbooted Thugs known as TABC by now being abled to call their beers “beer” and their ales “ale”.

As of result of yesterday’s ruling, beer in Texas may now be labeled as “beer” and ale may now be labeled as “ale”, regardless of alcohol content. Breweries and distributors are also no longer prohibited from independently telling consumers where their products may be purchased, or from communicating truthful and accurate information about their alcohol content. That means Jester King will now be able to add a “Where to Buy” section to our website, as will all other breweries selling beer in Texas.

“In a remarkable (though logically dubious) demonstration of circular reasoning” Judge Sparks writes in his ruling, “TABC attempts to defend the constitutional legitimacy of the Code through an appeal to the statutory authority of the Code itself.” Referring to the required use of the terms “beer”, “ale”, and “malt liquor”, he writes “TABC’s argument, combined with artful legislative drafting, could be used to justify any restrictions on commercial speech. For instance, Texas would likely face no (legal) obstacle if it wished to pass a law defining the word ‘milk’ to mean ‘a nocturnal flying mammal that eats insects and employs echolocation.’ Under TABC’s logic, Texas would then be authorized to prohibit use of the word ‘milk’ by producers of a certain liquid dairy product, but also to require Austin promoters to advertise the famous annual ‘Milk Festival’ on the Congress Avenue Bridge.’”

I still can’t get an Oregon winery to ship to me and breweries still can’t sell their wares at their breweries (unlike Texas wineries and every other state’s breweries). So more work needs to be done to rid ourselves of these tea-totalling despots.

Read the whole article here.

Best Anus to Mouth Ever

2011-11-27T12:56:00.001-06:00

I come out of semi-blogretirement to share the most epic of Epic Meal Times ever.

Warning!! This video is NSFV (Not Safe for Vegans). But then, what in real life is?

Filthy facelookers can enjoy the fun here.

Walkabout 2011: Day 12—Last Full Day in Euroland

2011-09-24T11:52:00.001-05:00

They let you sleep anywhere in Paris.

One last Bröchten at Schweine Janes.

And the Schmutziger Führer is born. (a joke for one).

Walkabout 2011: Day 11—A Farewell to Wallet (and Toenail)

2011-09-23T06:40:00.000-05:00

Walkabout2011:D11

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Walkabout 2011: Day 10—Paris, What Could Go Wrong?

2011-09-22T02:07:00.000-05:00

Walkabout2011:D10

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Walkabout 2011: Day 9–More Mozel and Federweißer

2011-09-21T13:21:00.000-05:00

Walkabout2011:D9

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Walkabout 2011: Day 8—Biking (and Drinking) Down the Mozel

2011-09-19T06:37:00.000-05:00

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We actually started in Cochem, but I didn’t turn on my biking app on my iPhone until Valwig for a 40 mile bike ride.

Walkabout 2011: Day 7—Aachen und Köln

2011-09-18T18:23:00.000-05:00

Walkabout2011:D7

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My hipster frames and stern demeanor must make me look German. I had two people ask me a question while waiting for my train. Although one was a beggar. It's amazing how the beggars are multilingual here. Couldn't they get a job at the UN??

Awesome! Someone is clipping his nails on the train. No point of doing that at home when you can do it on a train where everyone can enjoy it.

Fuck You AT&T

2011-09-18T17:22:00.001-05:00

In case you’ve wondered where my daily Walkabout post-trip blogging has gone (yes that’s a confusing sentence), it all started a long time ago in an AT&T store far far away (if 75 and Park is far far away).

My iPhone 3gs had gone tits up (#firstworldpain) so I had to go buy a new one. In doing so I was coaxed into signing up for Uverse with promises of free HBO, Showtime, hot and cold running angel tears, and eternal contentment. So, it was essentially the ‘08 Obama campaign all over again, and I bought every word.

Since I would be out of town for much of the following month, I opted to have my Uverse install performed when I got back from Germany. So, this past Tuesday a technician came out but couldn’t get a strong enough signal. He couldn’t get it to work and would send another technician in the afternoon. Smash-cut to three technicians and an apprentice later and I’m told that they have done everything they could do, but there is no way for the Uverse modem to synch, the signal just isn’t strong enough.

“OK”, I said, “But I’m going to need my DSL turned back on.” (With all the dicking around with lines and boxes and wires and whatnot [emphasis on the whatnot], I had lost my DSL.)

“Sure thing. Give me 30 minutes and I’ll have your DSL up and running.”, the technician replied.

After about a two hour wait, I called AT&T.

Let me now ask the people of AT&T and any other phone support system, if the robot that answers my call knows my phone number why the fuck does the actual human that finally takes my call ask me for my phone number??? At this point I’m not in any condition to be polite and when asked for my phone number I began to get chippy.

“Don’t you already know my number. The robot that answered the call knew my number. Why are you asking this. It just doesn’t seem efficient. I was on hold for quite a while. Maybe if you skipped this step you could service more customers more quickly.”

The unamused “Customer Support Representative” relied, “Sorry for any inconvenience, but I’m still going to need your number.

After retelling my story of Uverse angst, the “CSR” assured me that someone would be out that afternoon to turn on my DSL. I made the mistake of believing him and went about the rest of my day. The next day I performed the same drama and by the end of the day still had no DSL or any phone call telling me what’s going on.

Mysteriously, I got a phone call from AT&T on Saturday telling me that they would be unable to install Uverse (DUH!) and did I have any more questions. I offered up that I still needed my DSL turned back on. A bit confused, the AT&T representative apologized and assured me that she would have someone look into it. I didn’t believe her but gave her a “Thank you.” anyways.

And now we get to “My Sunday on the Phone with AT&T” or “The Hour I Will Never Get Back”.

Since this entry is closing in on the record for my longest blog post, I’ll skip my first two calls to AT&T and subsequent hang-ups while being transferred to 2nd level support.

Finally I called and go to DSL support directly. After explaining my problem, the DSL tech tried some things to get it to start working but failed. She then finally relented and agreed that a service technician would be sent out. She then had the balls to tell me that “if the problem was with the line inside my house I would be charged $115 for the repair.”

That’s when I lost it the first time.

“You will not charge me anything. I did not screw this up. You guys screwed this up. Please make a note on my ticket that I will not be charged for this. My DSL has worked perfectly for the seven years I’ve lived in my house. If there is a problem, you guys did it.” I so wanted to say “Fucked” but I was trying to keep a tiny bit of civility.

After consulting with a manager, she relented and said I would not be charged for any line repair. She then informed me that she could have technician out to my house between 8am and 8pm tomorrow.

That’s when I lost it a second time.

“No. We’re not doing this again. I’ve wasted a whole week with you guys. You are [fucking] AT&T you can do whatever [the fuck] you want. You’re one of the largest companies in world. I know this because you’ve been [ass raping] for a week now over this. If you wanted to send a technician to my house in three minutes you could. So, give me a specific time. Either first thing in the morning or first thing after lunch.” Parenthetical cussing was all in my head.

After much such arguing, I finally got her manager to relent and say she would at least try to get me a technician first thing after lunch. I don’t believe her. But, honestly, what threats did I have left?

So here I am writing this blog entry, watching the Cowboy game on a rogue Japanese website through one of my neighbor’s open WiFi. But as least I got to see a highlarryass Japanese ShamWOW commercial.

Walkabout 2011: Day 6—A Day in the ‘Dorf

2011-09-14T22:27:00.000-05:00

Walkabout2011:D6

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This was pretty much a rest day. I just walk around the 'Dorf and got lost a few times. Luckily I found my way back to JT's where we were off for more Alt Bier and Italian food.

Walkabout 2011: Day 5—Final Day in Brussels

2011-09-14T10:03:00.000-05:00

Walkabout2011:D5

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Walkabout 2011: Day 4–More Belgian Beerfest Fun

2011-09-13T18:18:00.000-05:00

Walkabout2011:D4

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Walkabout 2011: Day 3–Finally in Belgium

2011-09-13T17:53:00.000-05:00

Walkabout2011:D3

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Walkabout 2011: Day 2–Gandering in Gander

2011-09-06T03:32:00.000-05:00

Walkbout2011:D2

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Walkabout 2011: Day 1–What Could Go Wrong?

2011-09-05T15:54:00.001-05:00

Everything looks ok out there.

And inside as well. OOOoooh Duty Free smokes!!

WTF. Canada. Oh great.

Well, at least the bar is open.

I’m sure we’ll only be here a few more hours. It’s not even 3am local. And what’s with the whacky time zone??

The least comfortable international terminal in all of North America. Although the Socialist Workers Mural was fantastic.

In Case You Were Worried, I Did Make It to the Belgian Beer Festival

2011-09-05T06:53:00.001-05:00

Live Blogging Flying to Germany

2011-08-31T18:08:00.001-05:00

• Thanks, mom for the ride to the airport

• For a quick paleo meal at the airport, you could do a lot worse than Cousins BBQ. Brisket is good, the sausage is meh.

• 20€ for in flight internets. Expensive but I'm not dropping out streaming The Hardline unlike Virgin America.

• Upon getting served a red wine, one or two sips later and the steward was going down the aisle to top off wine. So of course, I slammed mine to get a refill.

• Euro travel is fantastic. After dinner question, "Bailey's or cognac?". Cognac, of course.

• Sonofabitch. Netflix thinks I'm already in Germany and won't stream to me.

• Turning around over the Atlantic for "emergency" landing in Canada. The emergency is a strong chemical smell in the crew quarters. Great, some cut a nocturnal fart and we have to turn around.

• In Gander Newfoundland until the find out who fährted.

• Eavesdropping on people wondering why the clock in the terminal appears to be off by 30 minutes. Geegle. Stupid Americans.

• Been here three hours. No word as to when (if) we are going to leave. Luckily Netflix is allowed in Canada.

• The pilot just announced that per regulation, a lufthansa mechanic must sign off that there is no problem. It will take at least 12 hours to get a mechanic here. We are being put up in hotels and best case scenario we will land in Frankfurt at 4 am.
• The funniest moment of the night (now early morning) came when an older Jewish sounding complaining to one of the local workers helping us who doubted that nothing else could be done about our situation said, “This sounds very German. We’re just following orders.”
• Finally made it to a hotel around 10am local crazy Newfie time. Time to nap.
• Woke up around 2pm. Not the best nap ever. Best case scenario, we leave before 8pm. In the mean time I’ve got a $140 food voucher to burn through.
• Was going to get room service at 4pm but they don’t serve between 2 and 5. So, I hope the restaurant has a pants optional policy, cause i was looking forward to eating prime rib pantless
• Buses to pick us up at the hotel and take us back to the airport at 6:30.

• 11pm. Have been at the airport since 730. The crew showed up at 945. No word as to when we will start queuing up.

• Midnight. We should start boarding within the next 30 minutes. But I'm not holding my breath.

• I blogged too soon. As soon as I posted the previous entry, they announced pre-boarding.

-- Post From My iPhone

Location:Lufthansa Flight 439

Walkabout 2011 Starts Today

2011-08-31T09:42:00.001-05:00

And don’t tell me what I can’t do.

Eating Dallas: Pecan Lodge

2011-08-28T11:43:00.001-05:00

Eating the first Fried Burnt Ends.

-- Post From My iPhone

Location:S Harwood St,Dallas,United States

The Sierra Nevadas: Day 3 Part 2

2011-08-28T07:28:00.000-05:00

Sierra Nevadas D3P2

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The Sierra Nevadas: Day 3 Part 1

2011-08-27T06:48:00.000-05:00

Sierra Nevadas D3P1

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The Sierra Nevadas: Day 2 Part 2

2011-08-26T10:50:00.000-05:00

Sierra Nevadas D2P2

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Hitler’s Fantasy Football Draft Threated by Sturm Adoption

2011-08-25T23:12:00.001-05:00

What can I say. I love Hitler humor.

Philthy phacebookers are on their own to find the yuck yucks.

The Sierra Nevadas: Day 2 Part 1

2011-08-25T10:30:00.000-05:00

Sierra Nevadas D2P1

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Sierra Nevadas: Day 1 Part 2

2011-08-24T05:09:00.000-05:00

Sierra Nevadas D1P2

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The Sierra Nevadas: Day 1 Part 1

2011-08-23T12:13:00.000-05:00

Sierra Nevadas D1P1

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Having taken over 1200 pictures over the long weekend, I will have to publish them half days at a time. Please to enjoy.

What I Did Today That There's No Fucking Way You Did Also*

2011-08-20T21:12:00.001-05:00

Made snow angels.

*unless you're Kateri.

-- Post From My iPhone

Area Husky Shows Plush Toy Who’s Boss

2011-08-17T14:32:00.001-05:00

The Coolest Video You’ve Seen Today

2011-08-16T14:45:00.001-05:00

And probably even this year.

Winter Pic of the Day

2011-08-11T17:26:00.000-05:00

THE STREAK IS OVER. LONG LIVE THE STREAK.

This will be your last Winter Pic of the Day for 2011. Thank you to everyone who participated and made this all happen.

Winter Pic of the Day

2011-08-10T15:12:00.000-05:00

Scientists Find Bagged Lunch Could Lead to Food Poisoning. Still No Cure for Cancer.

2011-08-10T15:09:00.001-05:00

I read this article on HuffingtonPost and couldn’t help but bang my face against my laptop in exasperation.

The key graph:

According to the University of Texas, a whopping 99% of the 700 box lunches belonging to preschoolers contained foods that were kept at unsafe temperatures. These significant results revealed an accommodating environment for bacteria to grow, ultimately the cause of food poisoning and other bacterial infection.

First of all, it’s no surprise that bullshit like this is coming out of t.u.

Well I guess this explains all the dead preschoolers stacked up like cordwood at my neighborhood nursery school. As a nation, have we run out of things to worry about? We now have to hired bored “scientist” to find new things to worry about. And haven’t kids been taking lunch to school since the dawn of time? And what exactly is the point of this research? And what would these researchers have the parents do? Turn their kids over to the “healthy” foods served at schools – fish sticks, mac & cheese, a pudding cup and skim milk?

And the study does not find that the lunches had bacterial growth. This could have easily been done by swabbing the lunches to see what nasty pathogens were growing in young Aiden’s lunch box. But I guess we weren’t really interested in finding something bad. Speculating about catastrophe is far more fun.

Stay tuned for an upcoming headline:

Going Outside Could Lead to Death

Soon to be followed up,of course, with:

Staying Home Could Lead to Death

Winter Pic of the Day

2011-08-09T14:54:00.000-05:00

Accuweather Continues to Tease

2011-08-09T12:08:00.001-05:00

Although I’m sure this will come true since I’ll be in California for most of this.

And when did 95°F become the Maginot line of climatic comfortablitinessitude?

The Canyons of Tietze Park

2011-08-09T05:18:00.000-05:00

The recent heat wave/dry spell has taken its toll on my neighborhood park.

Winter Pic of the Day

2011-08-08T14:47:00.000-05:00

Twitterer of the Week

2011-08-08T11:29:00.000-05:00

This week’s Twitterer of the Week is another bawdy, blustery broad (yeah, I may have a type). A Canadian Indie Rock legend (if Canadian Indie Rock can have legends) and now a member of the The New Pornographers. This week’s Twitterer of the Week is:

@NekoCase

I discovered her originally in the mid oughts on an Indie music channel on the Yahoo Radio that used to be on Messenger. I immediately was mesmerized by her voice.

A sampling of her tweets:

The next person who tells me "Go Vegetarian" I'm going to fucking eat YOU! I don't harass you. Leave me the FUCK ALONE!

The open drain/sewer gas access feature of my hotel room is fancy!! I am transported to ancient Rome!

If you ever hear me sing in that quirky, sickening, wounded, "Baby Alive" radio voice, please kick me in the Vag with a boot made of rasps.

@glttrgrrl @kirkland24 I work hard at NOT eating my dogs. They look like twinkies and smell like fresh baked bread and fritos.

@cram_mandible Come up with some opinions and TV catch phrases of your own, and let me make jokes about fucking beef jerky.

Happy Friday everybody! It's shower-time!!! I am a SKANK!

@ChrisRRegan The U.S. Never paid me back for that abortion.

Group of dudes hogging a big section of chairs to play D n'D. They are not giving 2 shits what the cool kids think about this. I love them.

Why do women cut their hair into the "Kate plus 8" hairdo? Did they just give up?!

Oh, lady with GIANT boobs running through the airport, I am so sorry. (and my chest hurts sympathetically)

The airport is the underside of humanity's balls.

I'm a dude, by the way. I've just decided.

I've been a dude for years,but if feels good to just say it out loud. I'm going to go change the batteries in some guitar pedals. #Mantime

I LOVE being a dude. I never have to have, look at, think about, hear about painting or talk about "fingernails" EVER. Blissed-out.

Her solo

And with The New Pornographers

Winter Pic of the Day

2011-08-07T11:24:00.000-05:00

But I Can Still Have a Pom Martini, Right?

2011-08-07T10:02:00.000-05:00

Slate.com once again has a fine article that rocks nutritional conventional wisdom. Which can be read by clicking on the Slate.com link in the previous sentence.

Well, there is a wee small problem in our ongoing anti-oxidize-athon: As it turns out, we have no evidence that antioxidants are beneficial in humans. (Though if you're a Sprague-Dawley rat, there's hope.) In fact, as Emily Anthes wrote last year in Slate, the best available data demonstrate that antioxidants are bad for you—so long as you count an increased risk of death as "bad.

My favorite bit, since it throws the dreadfully moronic Doc Oz under the bus:

But, hey, who ever let a little evidence stand in the way of a good time? Especially in this case, when the charge toward lifestyle legitimacy has been led by willowy celebrities with karmic equipoise, ably supported by the Four Horsemen of the Alternative: Drs. Weil, Oz, Null, and Chopra. The seduction of this confederacy (sex! doctors! pills!) is immense; to appreciate its power, one need only consider the pomegranate.

It turns out, like our overuse of antibacterial products which are actually making our bodies more susceptible to dangerous infection, anti-oxidants are turning our cells into microscopic pussies.

If only reality would play along. As noted by Anthes, and Michael Specter in his bookDenialism, the first clear crack in the façade was the 2007 revelation in JAMA that antioxidant vitamins were not merely useless but harmful. Building on this clinical observation, a German group has developed a plausible scientific explanation of the increased risk. The title of the group's most recent publication, "Extending life span by increasing oxidative stress," pretty much sums up their view: The human cell should toughen up. It can benefit from enduring something harsh like the insult caused by free radicals. This way, the organism is more prepared to fend off the inevitable Big One, be it cancer or a toxic fume or perhaps a bout of cholera. Practice makes perfect.

This is just another indication that we all need to eat natural whole foods (little w, little f) – meat, fish, fruit, vegetables – and we will be fine. And that there is no magic food that will negate the devastating effects on your body of that box of Krispy Kremes (not Top Pot donuts, those are 100% healthy, natural and life affirming) you ate for breakfast.

Winter Pic of the Day

2011-08-06T11:20:00.000-05:00

How Bad Science and Big Business Created the Obesity Epidemic

2011-08-06T09:33:00.000-05:00

This video went wrongfully unposted during my recent blog break.

Filthy facebookers should avoid this video and just get fat playing Farmville.

The Interwebs Makes Me Giggle

2011-08-05T23:56:00.001-05:00

I predict this video will be to movies what Angry Hitler is to all other disappointments.

Yeah, it’s almost a month old. But I’ve been busy.

Facebookers will have to live out their pitiful existence with the funny.

Winter Pic of the Day

2011-08-05T11:31:00.000-05:00

Accuweather.com Stop Taunting Me

2011-08-05T06:52:00.000-05:00

Every day I check the 15 day forecast on Accuweather.com for a glimmer of hope that this long swim through ball sweat soup is about over. I know a 15 day forecast is highly inaccurate, but I’m grasping for straws here.

And every time I check, days 13 – 15 always look something like this:

And those three days never arrive.

It’s the End Times. And there’s nothing we can do about it now.

Happy International IPA Day

2011-08-04T15:36:00.001-05:00

How will you celebrate?

Winter Pic of the Day

2011-08-04T13:51:00.001-05:00

The Stunning Revelation That One of my Indie Rock Idols Has Turned Into Someone’s Dad

2011-08-04T13:41:00.001-05:00

From the AV Club, I stumbled upon this video featuring Husker Du and Sugar front man Bob Mould.

Bob Mould "covers" Sugar

I know I'm an old fart now. But my indie rockers shouldn't look like they're about to go pick the kids up from soccer practice in the mini van. It's very disburbing and one could say it rocked my world.

Thank you. I’ll be here all week.

Winter Pic of the Day

2011-08-03T13:41:00.001-05:00

The Best TV Show You’re Not Watching Because It’s So Good You Should Be Watching

2011-08-03T12:19:00.001-05:00

The Day Tripper with Chet Garner

Watch the full episode. See more The Daytripper.

If you love Texas and finding great small town out of the way eats, this is the show for you. Think of it as a hipper Texas Country Reporter. It can be cheesy at times. But I never finish an episode without thinking, “I want to go to there.”

The embedded episode is one of my favorite, Lockhart and all the great BBQ therein.

You can watch it from their website here or Saturday mornings on KERA.

Facebookers can suck it.

Is This a Tired Bit Yet?

2011-08-02T13:58:00.001-05:00

I was hoping to reverse jinx the heat wave with this bit.

Winter Pic of the Day

2011-08-01T11:18:00.000-05:00

Really?? This Was the Best You Could Do?

2011-08-01T00:27:00.000-05:00

Wow. I would like to congratulate the fucktards in congress for congratulating themselves for solving the debt crisis. They have selflessly slashed $1Trillion (with a T, if you can’t read) (wow, that’s a lot) over the next ten years.

What’s that you say? Speak up?

Over the next ten years.

WHAT? So all this bickering and hand wringing has been over $100 billion? We’re taking our $3.8 trillion budget and reducing it to $3.7 trillion. That’s like if I’m about to default on my mortgage and tell the bank, “Hey, I just canceled HBO. That’s a savings of $3000 over the next 10 years.” They would then ask for my keys and tell me to get the fuck out of their house.

But, Steve, it’s so haaaaard to make real cuts. The Federal gummint is very important (just ask them). It can’t be cut.

Oh yeah. How about this:

All those troops in Japan and Germany? I find it amusing so many are concerned about getting our troops out of Iraq and Afghanistan when we have yet to withdraw from countries we were at war with 70 years ago. And do they really need to be there? Germany is a rich country. I’m sure it can defend itself against Poland. How bad can being pelted by pierogies be? It sounds quite delicious.
The Department of Education. Are the children of America smarter or dumber since the advent of this cabinet office? Dumber you say. Then why have it?
Farm Subsidies. This is easy for me to suggest a cut. I’m not in Congress where I would regularly be treated to “lobbyists” from Archer Daniel Midland blowing me while handing me thick packs of $100 bills. In fact eliminate the entire USDA. All they have done is made type II diabetes epidemic with their retarded food pyramid.
Means test Social Security and raise the retirement age to at least 70. With the stipulation that we no longer steal from Social Security to pay our credit cards. The government doesn’t let me take money out of my 401k to pay for a new iPad. They should have the same restrictions.

There, how many hundreds of billions, if not trillions, of dollars a year did I save and I’m just sitting on my couch in my drawers.

It’s not that hard folks. Now grow a pair and get back to work.

Winter Pic of the Day

2011-07-31T14:53:00.001-05:00

Mmmmmmmmmm yellow snow.

And Now, A King Wally Fashion Tip

2011-07-31T14:49:00.001-05:00

This goes out to the new chick working one of the express check out lanes at the Central Market on Greenville. One nose stud in one nostril is cute and adorable. One nose stud in BOTH nostrils makes you luck like a charging bull.

Twittererer of the Week

2011-07-31T09:39:00.000-05:00

I’m not really sure this will be a weekly feature. After all, I don’t have a strong track record on maintaining weekly features. But this week’s Twittererer of the week has had me rolling and inspired me, for at least this week, to start a weekly feature.

This week’s Twittererer of the week is:

@thecheapbastard

The Dallas Observer’s bawdy cheap food critic and James Beard Award nominee, Alice Laussade

With WFAA’s Pete Delkus on vacation this week, @thecheapbastard has assumed the responsibility of tweetering about the weather. Some fine examples this week:

Today's forecast: Sunny skies and a high of fuck your face. #substituteweatherer

EXCLUSIVE : Hurricane Don finishes early, worries about reputation. #substituteweatherer

BREAKING: Arlingtonionites will sell boob for rain. RT @MedlinnieI: I'd do anything for some rain right now. #substituteweatherer

Fuck. All. That. RT: @CBSLarryagree! RT @marygaverykemp: if it's gonna be 100 next week I prefer the streak continue #substituteweatherer

That's like saying, "If I'm gonna get stabbed in the dick every day next week, I might as well get stabbed today, too." #substituteweatherer

Balls! http://t.co/QipmTch

Clouds, you are sucking at life right now. Fuckin' lazy. #getittogether #substituteweatherer http://t.co/0KsMjTf

Hey Tropical Storm Don, Dallas has good barbecue and titties. You should visit. #substituteweatherer @wfaaweather

Winter Pic of the Day

2011-07-30T14:00:00.000-05:00

“… we can do better that to clamor for mob rule”

2011-07-30T07:24:00.000-05:00

Every now and then I read something that makes we want to scream “GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!” This article from FreeTheAnimal.com just did that. This is Richard Nickolay’s treatise on the absurdity of the Neolithic concept of democracy..

The key paragraphs:

The principle: I don't have a right to even a 1 in 300 millionth say in your affairs and I would not do that to you. In summary, I don't vote because I have no moral right to, even before the fact that it's totally masturbatory on a practical level.

and

Sure, admittedly, since nothing will really change, I welcome more rational depth than not. Obama is a commie. W. Bush was an elitist incompetent, far worse than his dad which isn't saying much, Clinton was a fucking liar of epic proportions and Reagan was a superstar personality who set us off on the greatest federal spending spree since Johnson. Carter is still an embarrassment in every way I can imagine as a man. Ford knew more about baseball than history and Nixon was a general shitbag.
That's the extent of my personal first hand knowledge. Fuck them all. Why the hell should I vote?

and

My curiosity is why a human animal would want to subjugate itself to such a process. We're social animals, but did not evolve in an ant hill or bee hive; we evolved in very small societies where you-animal could account for every other member. And every other member could account for you. Compromise is actually natural in this sort of setting. You compromise all the time in your close social circle and it's perfectly natural and makes the world go round.

While I certainly don’t feel as strongly about the nonsense that is our democratic system, I do understand what he’s getting at. It saddens me when I see Facebook updates from friends on both sides of the political spectrum declaring the evil of the other side while ignoring the very same evil on their side. Time and time again I’ve been told from one side that if the other side wins this most important election in the history of the universe, life as we know it will cease to exist and we will all become slaves to the puppet masters of the other side.

But it never happens. Life goes on.

And this great institution of democracy has brought us to the brink of economic collapse because one party wants to spend the money of our grandchildren at a slightly less exorbitant rate than the other party.

And, no, I don’t have a solution to this problem. Jesus Christ, have you even been reading this blog. I only complain. I never offer up solutions.

Winter Pic of the Day

2011-07-29T13:57:00.000-05:00

Winter Pic of the Day

2011-07-28T10:01:00.000-05:00

Am I the Asshole?

2011-07-27T09:59:00.000-05:00

Due largely to the light dusting of Asperger’s I no doubt have, it is sometimes difficult for me to judge accurately if I’ve been an asshole. Thus, I must come to you, my good strong reader (s???) to make the call.

This is my story.

The other day I was mowing my front lawn. Now before you give your summary judgment, I am not asking if I’m an asshole for waiting so long between mowings. But thank you for your input.

While mowing my lawn, a mid 20s-ish woman pulled up in her late model Toyota 4Runner. She existed her car and headed into the older house next to mine. I waved hi and and continued on with my mowing. There is a lot of turn-over in the tenants that live in that house and I had no recollection of ever seeing her before.

A few minutes later I see a cop car had turned onto my street from Skillman and just stops in the middle of my street. Eventually he moves out of the middle of the street when another motorist needs to get through. With each pass of the mower over my mostly dead grass, I can’t help but notice the cops and begin to suspect something is up. Since my front yard isn’t that big, after a few more passes, I’m done mowing and put my mower back inside.

I have a small growing oak tree, no more than a foot tall, growing in the little green area between my sidewalk and the street. Noticing several brown leaves on the baby, I went inside for water. With a bucket of water in my hand, a police officer comes up to me and asks, “Has anyone left the house next door?”, pointing to the old house next to mine in which the young woman just walking inside.

“No”, I replied.

“Have you seen your neighbor at all today? Do you know if he is inside?”

“No, I haven’t seen him at all.”, I truthfully answered since I only knew that SHE was inside.

“Do you know your neighbor at all?”

“No. I think he just moved in recently”

“Ok. Thanks”

So here’s where I may be an asshole. I intentionally didn’t offer up the information about the woman inside the house. I have no reason to suspect wrongdoing by my neighbor, but more importantly I didn’t want to help the cop and here’s why. A few weeks ago, my buddy Jason (aka Pokemon) had his car illegally towed in a parking lot behind the old Blarney Stone. There was no signage stating you couldn’t park there and Jason suspected the the lot attendant was poaching the lot and had no authority to have cars towed from the lot. This was later confirmed by the the manager of Chichin Itza, who only have a lot attendant on the weekends.

While his car is getting hooked up, Jason appeals to a nearby police officer. The cop just shook his head and stated it was a “civil matter”. After more pleas, the cop became confrontational and threatened Jason with arrest.

So while the officer was questioning me in my yard I couldn’t help but think, “You arrogant fucks didn’t help my friend when he needed your help, why should I help you?”

So, am I an asshole? And please use this incident and this incident only as the basis for your answer.

Winter Pic of the Day

2011-07-27T09:45:00.000-05:00

Two Fat Ladies

2011-07-26T16:54:00.000-05:00

I have recently rediscovered the greatness of The Two Fat Ladies. They are being re-run on The Cooking Channel. Despite their generous use of butter and other saturated (good, yummy) fats, The Two Fat Ladies are not exactly paleo. Regardless, this is still one of the most entertaining cooking shows in the history of cooking shows.

Sadly, the best part of this episode didn’t make it into this 10 minute clip.

Slovenly Facebookers may or may not get to see these clips depending on the capricious whims of Zuckerberg. In which case they may need to go to the original article. I did not provide a link since I have grown weary of having to do everything for you.

Winter Pic of the Day

2011-07-26T16:49:00.001-05:00

In order to better cope with this insufferable heat wave, I will be posting a picture from earlier this year when life was so much colder. This will continue until the high is under 100 and the overnight low is under 80.

I suggest making it your desktop, close all your windows and just stare at it will sipping a refreshing, cold beverage.

Your 10 Day Forecast

2011-07-26T16:41:00.001-05:00

RT @gordonkeith

Taking the Service out of Postal Service

2011-07-25T16:41:00.001-05:00

Due to a strange confluence of occurrences, I’ve had to mail three items in 2011. And I mean actual mail, like from the guy that comes to your house every day and gives you useless advertising inserts and credit card offers. This probably nearly doubles my postal missives for the 21 century.

On my first trip to the post office I needed to send a letter and, having not sent a letter since the first Bush was president, I had no stamps and would require procuring proper postage (that, boys and girls, is called alliteration, so suck it). I went to my usual post office at Belmont and Greenville and searched for the stamp machine. I don’t think I’m retarded, but I could not find a one. Giving up on my search, I then proceeded to the counter. Surprisingly for a quasi-governmental office, there was very little wait.

“Where did the stamp machines go?”, I asked.

“I don’t know. They just took them out a little while ago. No one knows why.”, the postal clerk replied.

Asking for and receiving my postage, I was on my way.

On my second trip, I knew the drill, and headed straight for clerk. This time there wasn’t another soul in line. Which is surprising because of all the ruckus when it was suggested recently that this post office be closed to curb costs. If you’re going to bitch about the gumming closing your favorite post office, shouldn’t you swing by every day for a stamp just so the place looks busy?

Today I once again needed to make a quick (let me be clear about the quick par, I just needed a stamp) stop at the post office. Although my previous experiences at my ZIP’s post office had been pleasant, I was on my way to the Whole Foods in Lakewood and figured I would check that one out. Maybe the high-toned denizens of Lakewood would insist on a stamp machine.

I was correct, sort of.

Instead of a simple stamp machine, which I believe at least 90% of the people needing something from the post office would find satisfactory, I was confronted with an automated postal kiosk. And, of course, there was a line. Regrettably it was a shorter line than the one leading to an actual living clerk.

So, after what seemed to be a good five minutes (remember I just want a stamp for a letter) I finally made my way to the kiosk.

“What do you need to mail?” it asked

All I need is a stamp, so I pick “First Class Letter”.

“What kind of letter are you sending?”

Well this was a confusing question. I had previously selected first class letter, so why does it need this additional information? After all, all I want is a stamp. Have I mentioned that? Anyway, not really knowing what to tell it, I picked “Bendable rectangle” or somesuch.

“Do you want confirmation on receipt of this letter?”

“NO! I Just want a fucking stamp!”

“You have selected a first class stamp for $0.64. The minimum charge to your card is $1.00. Would you like an additional stamp for $0.46?

“YES!!!! Please give me my fucking stamp?”

“Please confirm you purchase.”

“YES!!!! For fuck sake.”

Then, after about 20 seconds of whirling and clicking, two stamps emerged. My long nightmare at the Lakewood Post Office was over. It only cost me $1 and about 10 minutes of my life for a stamp.

Thank US Postal Service.

Paleo Resources

2011-07-25T14:26:00.000-05:00

Since Pokey requested postings about Paleo I figured I would start with my favorite resources I use to guide my way through my new lifestyle (I hate that word. Please someone come up with a better term for this.)

Books

Although not technically a book about Paleo, the great Gary Taubes’ Good Calories, Bad Calorieis my number one scientific resource that, at least in my mind, lays out the story of how bad science has led to our current obesity epidemic through the government’s decree that we all eat low-fat/high-carb.

For a good foundation in Paleo (or Primal, if you will), Mark Sisson’s The Primal Blueprint not only gives you the information to correct the damage Neolithic foods have done to you, but also contains the philosophy of 80/20. This is, paleo/primal is not a religion in which we must do penance because a molecule of fructose/gluten/omega-6 fatty acid may have snuck into our bloodstream. We live in the real world with real world problems and sometimes you really need some ice cream. Just don’t do it every day or even every week. But mostly, just don’t sweat it. In other words, do the best you can most of the time and you won’t end up looking like Phatty McFaterson.

Blogs

Unfortunately, my two favorite bloggers are experiencing a bit of bloggers block and haven’t posted much if at all recently. The Archevore is my favorite scientific paleo blog. It is here that I Dr. Kurt Harris has simplified Paleo (what he calls the Archivore Diet) approach of avoiding/eliminating the three horsemen that cause the disease of civilization – grains, seed oils and fructose.

For a more in-your-face form of paleo, I turn to Free The Animal. Richard Nickoley’s uses his blog to promote the paleo lifestyle that often criticizes the stupidity of veganism as well as the more religious aspects of paleo conformity.

Podcasts

I’m now down to just one paleo podcast a week, Angelo Coppola’s Latest in Paleo. It’s a very well done recap in all things healthy food/lifestyle related. My favorite thing about the podcast is it’s motto, “Human beings are not broken by default.”

I did, for a time, listen to Robb Wolf’s Paleo Solution podcast. This is a question/answer style podcast and after a while, you can pretty much answer the questions yourself.

The Summer of Steve

2011-07-18T16:10:00.001-05:00

Once again I find myself free from employment and in a mental state that I’m not that interested in perusing employment any time soon. With the exception of a two week trip to Germany and other parts of Euroland at the beginning of September, I have no definitive plans for the rest of the summer.

Therefore I seek the advise of the one or two of you who read this crap. What should I do the the next six weeks? Specifically I’m looking for blog worthy activities. The goal being that for the next 8 weeks, blogging will be my job.

Here’s how it will work. You give me something worth blogging about. This attracts even more readers. And everyone buys stuff from Amazon through my website. The more stuff that is purchased the more money I make the more time I can spend blogging. It’s truly perpetual motion machine that is kicked off by your great ideas.

What’s worth purchasing on Amazon? How about the latest in George R. R. Martin's A Game of Thrones series.

or maybe you need to catch up on Breaking Bad?

Sure this all sounds like I’m whoring myself out to Amazon. But if this can stave off real employment by just week, won’t it be worth it?

Amazon.com Widgets

Live Blogging the Women’s World Cup Finals: USA vs Japan

2011-07-17T14:36:00.002-05:00

First Half

Pregame		I'm unsure as how to promote this game. Is it Japan taking revenger for Hiroshima or is it the USA taking revenge for Godzilla vs Mothra?
Pregame		Just a reminder. Say no to racism. It's just not cool according to my soccer goddesses.
Pregame		Oh, and play fair. Unless it's faking a foul or kicking your opponent in the tits when the ref isn't looking.
0"		USA!
0"		Wow. Moving Cheney up already pays off with a scoring chance leading to a corner.
7"		I'm quickly realizing that my lack of soccer knowledge is leaving me with not much to say. When I can, I make up for that with snark.
8"		Beautiful pass from Rapinoe to Cheney. And, as with most soccer plays, it ends in no score at all.
10"		Passing the ball back and forth, Japan seems content with taking a nil nil tie into the half with 35 minutes left.
11"		Ugh. Cheney to Rapinoe also results in a wide shot.
15"		Happy Birthday Chancellor Merkin.
17"		Our shots are getting closer to the goal. At least we hit a post.
24"		Corner kick by Cheney. Nothing.
28"		WHAT!?? Another post hit. How many posts equals a goal? USA up 10-2 on shots. Can we skip the PKs and just win on penetrations.
30"		Yikes! Good save by Solo
34"		Another missed opportunity with the Cheney header.
36"		A good thing about soccer. No awful Dr Pepper commercials with Fergie.
37"		A bad thing about soccer. No awesome Southwest Airlines commercials.
40"		Is this the happiest referee of any sport ever?
45"		nil to nil. Isn't this how soccer is supposed to go?

Second Half


45"		My personal favorite player, Alex Morgan, is now in for the injured Cheney.
48"		JFC!!!! Another fucking post, this time by Morgan.
54"		Is that a hot pink sports bra under Alex's jersey?
60"		I was pretty sure I was "ice-cream headached" out with the Mavs playoff run. Apparently not.
63"		Offsides call goes for USA. Finally the offsides rule works in my favor.
63"		Great save by that Korean boy in goal.
68"		GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!! U S A!!! A breakaway goal by Morgan from Ropinoe. 1-nil USA
70"		Shouldn't Alex have "Brandie Chastained" for us after that goal? I mean really!
79"		Just a reminder to please be sure to visit Amazon from the links provided to buy your commerative World Cup memorobilia.
80"		Goal. Japan. What the fuck just happened there? 1-1
83"		Ian Darke on Carly Lloyds long run and subsequent missed shot "Disappointing in the end really" Which translates from classy Englisth to American English as "That sucked!"
90" + 2		1-1. Oh, joy. Extra time.

Extra Time

90"		Oh, boy. Here we go. Another 30+ minutes of tummyache and clenched anoose.
91"		Wambach with the header, nice save and holding on to ball. Abbey was there for any rebound.
95"		Another nice ball to Mornan. But she couldn't finish this time.
96"		Miama with a yellow card. Which seems kinda racialist to me.
100"		One hundred minutes. Make it end. Please, sweet, clean little 8lb 5oz little baby jebus. No PKs.
103"		GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!!! U S A!!! Wambach with the header from Morgan with a pass almost as beautiful as herself. 2-1 USA!
105"		End of the first Extra Time period. 2-1 USA
106"		Ewe Es Eh! Ewe Es Eh!
108"		JFC!!! Learn to clear the ball out of the box!!!
111"		JFC!!! Learn to clear the ball out of the box!!!
113"		Heath for Rapinoe. The USA side just got a little hotter.
114"		Hey, Heath, keep the ball. Two possessions and two turnovers.
114"		Great save by Rampone.
115"		Solo injured. Oh dear. Just looks like cramping.
116"		Goal Japan. Sawa on a corner kick. 2-2
120"		Japan player (I swear they never said or showed a graphic. Thanks ESPN) with a red card denying Morgan a scoring oppurtuity
120" + 2		Game Over 2-2 . On to the hated PKs

US1		Boxx saved by goalkeeper. 0-0
Japan 1		Miama scored. 1-0 Japan
US2		Lloyd whiffs over the net. 1-0 Japan
Japan 2		Nagasato saved by Solo. 1-0 Japan
US 3		Heath saved again by the goalkeeper. 1-0 Japan. Oh dear.
Japan 3		Sakanugi scored. 2-0 Japan. This isn't looking good.
US 4		Wambach scored 2-1 Japan.
Japan 4		For the win. Kumigai scores. Japan wins on PKs

Well that sucked. Congrats to Japan, but I don’t remember US getting to win anything after Katrina.

Please stay tuned for my live blogging of Texas at Seattle.

After 5, the Rangers lead 3-0.

On Blogging

2011-07-16T15:20:00.000-05:00

Sometimes writing is difficult. Sometimes writing is like pounding a brick wall with a ball-peen hammer in the hope that the barricade will evolve into a revolving door. Sometimes writing is like talking to a stranger who’s exactly like yourself in every possible way, only to realize that this stranger is boring as shit.

-- Chuck Klosterman
Eating the Dinosaur

Yet another case of bloggers block has afflicted me for much of the past few months. Nothing particularly interesting has been going on in my life. And the one thing that does interest me, my new paleo lifestyle, I think would bore whatever readers I may have left. Plus, I don’t want this to become yet another paleo blog preaching to the choir about eliminating grains, seed oils and fructose from your diet. Seriously, once you’ve said that, there’s nothing much to blog about.

And then there’s this quote:

The thing to do when you burn out blogging what you usually blog about is not to quit, but blog about what's making you happy at the moment. Been doing it since 2003.
You'll loose some readers.
...And? Fuck 'em.

Richard Nikoley
FreeTheAnimal.com

So maybe I will blog about paleo when something of interest pops up. But in the mean-time, I will probably be sharing my adventure into the exciting world of charcutarie.

I’m sorry this wasn’t very funny. In fact there was no humor in it at all. But sometimes the blog is more cathartic than comedic.

Go Rangers!

Delayed Blogging: Seattle Day 2–U2

2011-07-15T18:13:00.000-05:00

Seattle U2

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Delayed Blogging: Seattle Day 2–Cruisin’ the Sound

2011-07-14T18:00:00.000-05:00

Seattle 2011 Day 2

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Trademarks Not Always Honored in Spanish Speaking Countries (and France)

2011-07-13T15:52:00.001-05:00

SeriousEats has this slideshow of real life Krusty Burger knockoffs.

Delayed Blogging: Seattle 2011 Day 1

2011-07-13T09:38:00.000-05:00

Seattle 2011 Day 1

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Delayed Blogging: Dallas Homegrown Music and Art Festival

2011-07-12T16:44:00.001-05:00

Homegrown 2011

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As I'll elaborate in a future blog item, it's not always easy to crap out blogs. Even if it's just pictures. Please to enjoy downtown Dallas, Slobberbone and the Homegrown Music and Arts Festival from back in May.

Eating Garland: Meshack’s Bar-Be-Que Shack

2011-07-11T17:22:00.001-05:00

I have yet to make my way to the Dallas Farmer’s Market and tried Pecan Lodge (maybe next week, Trent?) I can conditionally say that Meshack’s is the best BBQ in Dallas County.

As you can see, the place is literally a shack.

Not being a very good food blogger, I didn’t take enough pictures of the goods. But I did get a picture of the best item on the menu, the sausage. Flavorful and juicy with an abundance of fat, this may be the best bbq sausage I’ve had. The brisket was also beautifully smoked and moist (sorry, I know people hate that word. buy me a thesaurus and I’ll stop using it).

The ribs were good but the didn’t grab me like the sausage and brisket did. I will give them another chance to wow on my next trip.

Be warned, they don’t take credit cards. So bring cash.

A+ on sausage
A on brisket
B on ribs.
Overall A

240 E. Ave. B Garland, TX 75040
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Redemption for the Doughy, Old, Bald White Guy

2011-06-12T22:48:00.001-05:00

Celebration Beer

2011-06-12T22:03:00.001-05:00

Stone Vertical Epic 08.08.08.

Take Dat Witchew!!!!!!!

2011-06-12T21:44:00.000-05:00

Dirty facebookers enjoy this fine video here.

Do, Or Do Not, There is No Try

2011-05-28T09:34:00.001-05:00

From a Sturm retweet from P1BradC.

From DUH! Magazine: Texas Legislature Still Full of Incompetent Asshats

2011-05-27T11:45:00.000-05:00

Thanks Lege, now go fuck yourself while enjoying all that Bud and Miller money. Let’s keep supporting those foreign owned breweries while shitting all over are good, fine Texas breweries.

Again, let me say with all my might “FUCK YOU”

Texas Beer Bill Dies With a Whimper, But Saint Arnold Founder Vows to Keep Up the Fight - Dallas Restaurants and Dining - City of Ate

Congratulations To My Leader

2011-05-20T13:01:00.001-05:00